Coffee lovers have declared DeGronni's new coffee machine impossible to use under the influence of sleep and lack of caffeine.
Customer reviews from the company's website have said the 16-step process to make a comforting creamy cappuccino-or the 10 steps for a stomach burning espresso- is just too much.
'I have to do this weird dance that would put a drunk uncle at a wedding to shame in order to juggle the cold water in the jug while performing origami with a filter paper with Tiddles begging for food at my feet.' said reviewer JaneB.
'I'm just gonna dig a ditch, dip a mug in it, zap it in the microwave for two minutes and use the contents to chase down a couple of ProPlus. Gotta be cheaper than taking out a second mortgage to pay for an espresso at my local coffeeshop' said Simon13.
'This machine presents the user with an interesting philosophical paradox' said philosopher Alan Grayling when asked his opinion of the reviewers' issues with the £300 machine, 'That which is needed to use it cannot be obtained until it is used.'
'The last time I encountered a food and drink based ethical issue like this was with what I call the 'chocolate paradox' I love chocolate and I love cake-so why don't I like chocolate cake? said Dr Grayling stroking his goatee beard in a thoughtful manner.
Only one reviewer had anything good to say about the product; user Chilcot23 said that the 'double whammy' of claiming to be hypnotised by the machines 101 or lights 'a la The Andromeda Strain coupled with lack of caffeine intake might provide him with a sick note to get out of an important task.
The final word, though, goes to EnglishMAN 45: 'F*** this. F*** this s***. The instruction manual is 100 pages long for Chrissake; I've just chucked the damned thing across the kitchen where it has shattered into a million charcoal grey-coloured pieces.'
'Anyone for a nice cup of tea?'
