Tony Blair, Mr New Labour, made a fortune out of rebranding an old movement that looked doomed. And now, for a small sum, he want to teach you to do the same.
He's launching his new Belief-U-Brand service, which promises to make everyone a multi-millionaire - or he'll hold a public inquiry .
Anyone can be a belief branding millionaire, he promises. 'Look, I'm a pretty straight Sort of a guy. So, yer know, in a very real sense, I had my doubts I could ever make a fortune out of socialism. I didn't exactly have the best start in life - my parents had to send me to a top public school,' confesses Tony 'it was all they could afford.'
But Tony had an invention that was to take the market by storm - he calls it his 'socialist core'. It was to blind millions of critics to his true nature and suspend media luvvies and satirists in a permanent state of denial. 'I went to Scotland's Eton. I took my country to war on a lie and became George Bush's fag. But yer know what? Nobody cared, thanks to my little gizmo.'
You too could create a self excusing mantra that explains that most illogical behaviour that would be seemingly out of place with the belief system you're branding.
OH BOLLOCKS. I'LL HAVE TO RE-WRITE LATER