A travelling entourage of ISIS members has arrived on the south coast of Britain expressing demands that a small section of beach in Bognor Regis be cordoned off for their use only during their visit. Their leader, who despite a sunny demeanour, is thought to have crushed several thousand infidels, has warned that the safety of the regular beach goers could be compromised if they remain present during the visit.
Having arrived successfully on the shores of the UK on Saturday in the back of a luxury computer parts lorry, the group of militants, whose leader demands the respect reserved for royalty, has declared that ‘powerful people such as myself must be respected by sunbathing commoners.’ Having identified the stretch of beach at Bognor Regis as an ideal location for building ‘sand missiles’, the holidaying extremists announced their intentions to occupy the beach with their buckets, spades and smoke grenades for a three-week period.
Protests by Bognor Regis local residents have begun already, avid that the law does not allow exceptions ‘just because they’ve got grenades and shit.’ Despite these objections, the area has already been secured, and a small artillery platform assembled ready for their arrival later in the week. The militants have, however, promised to remove all traces of fortified weaponry before they leave.
Public spaces are often closed for visits by royalty and the undeserving wealthy on grounds of security. If the event goes ahead, ISIS will become the first group to demand closure citing the safety of the public as the primary concern.
‘We could have just arrived with the public infidels still present, but we couldn’t confirm their safety’, explained a spokesman. ‘Some of our members are a bit trigger happy, and bloodshed tends to ruin the seaside ambience.’
One angry local protester simply said: ‘We wouldn’t put up with this sort of bribery and blackmail if money or political power was involved, so why should we be any more accommodating just because the bastards have semi-automatics?’