Prime Minister David Cameron today admitted that he finds reading the child poverty statistics compiled by the Home Office wearisome.
"That Labour lot started collecting them back in the 90s," he explained, "so it looks bad if we don't keep it up. But do they have to keep sending them to me? It's just irritating."
"Something pops up in my inbox and I hope it's some funny thing Boris has seen on Facebook, or that mocked up photo of Merkel's head on a pig's body that's been doing the rounds lately. But no, bloody child poverty again, blah-di-blah-di-blah."
"I mean, some kids are poor, I get it. I don't need to hear about every single one."
"It's not like they could all go to Eton anyway, even if they could afford it. Eton's just one school, and what's more, one which prides itself on a high master to pupil ratio. That's why we also have Harrow, Rugby and Charterhouse, where I understand the fees are much more reasonable."
Responding to criticisms that he was out of touch with the reality of most people's lives, Cameron hit back that in fact he understood the reasons for child poverty better than anyone.
"It's the parents I blame. No good expecting young children to have their own money, especially now the bleeding-heart lefties have banned child labour. Their parents should be giving them some, rather than spending it all on their bingo and lager-beer."
"My pater, for example, always gave me an allowance so I could buy all the gobstoppers and tuppenny-hapenny chews I wanted. Though he did stop it after he got me the job at Carlton."
