Palestine Action and Just Stop Oil to copy Dover protest methods
Palestine Action say they look forward to having hundreds of men all wearing black balaclavas disrupt a major transport hub, without being immediately gunned down by the Security Services.
Burnham to extend Northern Line to Falkland Islands
To underline the British government's 'unwavering' support for the Falkland Islands, Prime Minister Andy Burnham has announced plans to extend the Northern Line to Port Stanley.
Argentina threatens to invade Isle of Wight
Only 7,366 miles away from Buenos Aires, Argentina claims that the Isle of Wight is in its sphere of influence. The plan is to capture the island’s strategic reserves of garlic and fossils. Ryde Pier is, according to a heavily disputed Argentine academic paper, South American in origin. The President said, ‘We have a historical claim to the island and we love Blackgang Chine.’ A General explained, ‘The Needles are secretly Argentina's emergency replacement Andes. In the event
Probation Service to receive extra stationery
In readiness for the early release of a few million murderers and rapists, the Home Office has announced an increase in rubber bands, headed notepaper and staples for the Probation Service. ‘This Government is committed to public service’, a spokesman said. ‘Whether it’s extra envelopes, a swivel chair or whiteboard markers, we aim to ensure that public services are properly resourced’. Jake, 32, is a probation officer in Liverpool. ‘I’m really buzzing about the extra paper’,
Pippin Fort soldiers told to stop non-essential training to save money
Captain Snort has been told to stop reduce exercises to save money, according to a Camberwick Green Parish Council source. It will continue to train soldiers preparing to be deployed or on deployments helping to organise the Chigley Biscuit Factory Dance. But Sergeant Major Grout, the second-in-command at the fort, who is not preparing for a specific deployment has been told to cut back on demonstrating their foot drill due to financial pressures. It comes as the Prime Minist
Facial reconstruction of 1000-year-old man
Reform UK leader Nigel Farage has called upon the Police to arrest Norman Conquest on terrorism charges. He alleges that Mr Conquest came to the UK illegally from Europe, possibly Scandinavia, round about 1066. Norman Conquest's skeletal remains were found buried at St Peter's Church in Barton-upon-Humber 50 years ago, with a newspaper dated 26 January 1079 found in his possession, along with a letter stating that he is on a waiting list for a hip replacement and would be co
Police ask undercover reporters to stop investigating Reform
Police chiefs have expressed ‘irritation’ and ‘dismay’ after learning of yet another journalist exposing dodgy dealings by Nigel Farage’s current political party. ‘It’s a lot of work’, a spokesman confirmed. ‘We have to interview people, look through accounts – it’s fucking tedious. Everyone knows they’re dodgy – couldn’t we just accept that and move on? Nobody makes us raid the thousands of money-laundering shops on the high street – we all just shrug and get on with our day
Reform UK introduces donor card scheme
If you believe this, you'll believe anything Insurgent populist party Reform UK has introduced a revolutionary donor card scheme which it hopes British citizens will carry with them at all times. The card says: "In the event of me happening to be related to some very rich foreigner, I will allow millions of Bitcoins to be channelled through my bank account into the coffers of Reform UK." I suppose there is nothing wrong with such a card being printed or carried," said Court o
Trump Presidency to get weekly recaps
‘Followers of American politics have complained that they can’t follow the plot’, a White House spokesman told us. ‘If this was a Netflix drama there would be one major incident per week and they’d still offer a recap. President Trump’s achievements are so many and so wondrous that the American people can’t keep track’. Trump’s achievements since January include stealing 65 billion barrels of Venezuelan oil, losing a war with Iran, turning the Reflecting Pool into an algae co
Keir Starmer: that resignation statement in full
‘Over the summer, I have had time to reflect and consider my future. I have decided to stand down as MP for Holborn and St Pancras and hand over to a successor. I did complain about the unnecessary costs of a by-election in Makerfield and an election for a new Manchester mayor, but now I get it. I’m out of here, suckers. ‘It’s been an honour and privilege to serve the constituency, but the job is thankless and underpaid. I didn’t get into politics to deal with the first wo
