‘More lethality, less lawyers’ statement widely condemned
US Defence Secretary Pete Hegseth is facing universal criticism for the appalling English used in his book, ‘The War On Warriors’. If Chapter 10 had been entitled ‘More lethality, fewer lawyers’, he may have been excused for ordering the killing of survivors of a missile attack on their boat. But it’s called ‘More lethality, less lawyers’ which clearly indicates what a dreadful human being he is. Not many people knew of Hegseth’s book before his department started ignoring Ru
New Government plan deports illegal immigrants for £20
The government has a new tactic in its war on illegal immigrants. Funding the French police has proved ineffective. Advertising posters saying 'Britain is Closed. And a bit rubbish.' didn't work. The one-in-one-out policy is only working in a roundabout way. So the government is very pleased with its latest wheeze. 'I don't know why we didn't think of it before,' said the under-Minister for Ejecting Illegals. 'We order a pizza on one of those new-fangled delivery apps. We hav
Digital ID or trial by jury - you can't have both
In a Sophie's Choice between one beloved child and Kevin from Home Alone, the British public have to pick between 1000 years of unbroken civil rights or making Tony Blair filthy rich. Said one voter: "It's a tough one. Lose a corner stone of justice or make it easier to shop at Primark." Removing jury trials would save an astronomical £31 million, whereas ID's only cost a mere £600million a year - that's fantastic news, as it gives us a saving of minus £569 million. "Yes, we
Prisoners leave HMP Blunder for the Christmas break
HMP Blunder is breaking up for the Christmas holidays after a busy autumn term. Its 347 inmates will be released by mistake to wander around deprived areas of London in their prison clothes until they are rounded up by the police and herded back to their cells. HMP Blunder's governor, Eric Bungle, will oversee the end-of-term prize giving ceremony, when everyone will sing the prison song: It's the Most Blunderful Time of the Year. Hadush Kebatu is to be given the Metropolitan
Compulsive Tory fibbers demand inquiry to learn what "the truth" is
"The government needs to set an inquiry immediately so that we Conservatives can discover what 'the truth' is," said a party spokes-Pinocchio. "Sure, we'd like the truth about what was leaked before the Budget. That would be a good start. "But more broadly, we'd be really grateful if a panel of vaguely honest people could explain to us what in the world these words 'the truth' are meant to mean. "Years of serving in a party led by Boris Johnson, helping to explain away his da
White House denies rumours
'The President is definitely not going to start a war in Venezuela, definitely not going to get bogged down in guerilla combat in the mountains and jungle, definitely not going to see the war to spread into Columbia, definitely not going to divert weapons to that war from Ukraine, definitely not going to use the National Guard to put down anti-war protests, definitely not going to take over Canada, definitely not going to use the chaos as an excuse to delay the US Presidentia
Road pricing: drivers will get refunds for delays
The government introduced road pricing in the Budget last month. Drivers of EVs will now have to pay extra money for every mile driven. However, like the refunds for delayed train journeys, drivers will be able to claim for a refund if their trip is delayed by roadworks, accidents, bad weather, or acts of God. And learner drivers will also be able to claim back up to 10,000 miles of practice driving, but only for the 12 months before they passed their practical test. Drivers
Reeves appoints Black Wednesday the hamster as new OBR chief
"The last chairman of the Office of Budget Responsibility had to go for being very irresponsible and not agreeing with me," said chancellor Rachel Reeves, stamping her foot and sounding like Queenie in Black Adder. "He refused to tell people that my policies for growing the economy were working and making Britain rich, traitorously arguing that the figures weren't showing that. "This is despite me launching sure-fire policies such as: taxing people more so they have less to s
Jonathan Gullis Defection Means Lee Anderson No-Longer Thickest in Reform
Residents of Ashfield in Derbyshire were delighted with the news that their Member of Parliament is no longer the dimmest member of the Reform Party after former MP Jonathan Gullis announced his defection from the Conservatives. "He's never been the sharpest tool in the box," one resident told us," like that time he got caught asking a mate to pretend to be a floating voter who he talked round to voting Conservative, but he looks like Stephen Hawking compared to that pudding.
A letter to the BBC about allowing the Green Party to talk
Dear Whoever is currently in charge of the BBC, I was furious again today. The radical BBC again showed how biased it is against the English by wasting time doing some sort of Green Party interview. The Green Party! I mean, they have only ever had one MP and no one likes them. I was trying to listen to Radio 4 to see if they were slating the “Budget” enough, and they decided to do this bit on the extremist, radical Green party. I was disgusted, DISGUSTED! that instead of gett
