The government of the United Kingdom today ordered the Channel Tunnel be filled with a mixture of concrete and scrap iron to prevent the entry of bailiffs intent on seizing the country's assets. The country has been declared officially bankrupt after repeated insinuations by the Prime Minister that there is no money to spend on anything ever again.
The multinational owners of Britain's national debt are now closing in to grab what they can before the whole country sinks into decrepit alcoholism brought on by lack of hope. "We heard the bailiffs are gathering at Sandgatte," said a government spokesman. "We decided we wouldn't just let them walk all over us. What price dignity?"
This is a question also occupying the mind of Denise Wright, a disabled pensioner from Luton who has seen her disability benefits and pension cut within the last few months. "I should bloody well hope they don't let the bailiffs in," she said. "They're not getting my television I can tell you that much. My Mark will be round with his friends as soon as I give the call. No cartel of insurance companies and pension funds is going to push me around. Bloody nonsense! Where did all my tax money go anyway? I worked all my life and here I am at seventy-one and all that stands between me and the bailiffs is a thousand tons of concrete - and not high quality concrete either if I know anything about British builders."
In a cost-saving measure that Boris Johnson has claimed as his own, the Channel Tunnel is also being filled with waste from the Olympics site in London. Meanwhile the government has declared that it will take 'All measures necessary' to prevent the entry of the bailiffs, though when pressed a spokesman clarified that open warfare was unlikely. "Half those bailiffs are Afghan refugees recruited from the camps at Sandgatte," he explained. "They know what the British Army can do or they wouldn't be here."
The government has stressed that the whole country is in this together. "We will fight them on the beaches if necessary," said David Cameron in the House of Commons. "Particularly if they want to do it on Mykonos. I believe my family has a house there." Meanwhile the bailiffs are said to be weighing up the value of the scrap metal being thrown into the tunnel. "We're thinking this might work out well for us," said one bailiff who did not wished to be named. "We're worried the country may not have any other assets left to seize anyway. The government's probably saving us a whole lot of trouble."