I'm not really in the mood.
Could I swap for Fucking Thursday?
Oh Is There Not One Toady Here......
(187 posts) (45 voices)
Aye, I'll swap gladly - Fucking Thursday for Fucking Monday, you've got yourself a deal there. Thursday's is the day when Weatherspoons supply me with a pint and a curry for £4.99 - and then a load more pints for a pocket full of shrapnel. Friday is the day I have to go to work with a bad hangover - but I can avoid that this week because Tuesday I never have one. So I think now I should be ok - I can drink what I like.
Or were you merely calenderising your orchestral manoeuvres in the dark. Not sure I can do Thursday if so, curry & pint await.
There are some really good writers on here, but as far as I'm aware nobody has been head hunted by The Now Show as a result of their contributions. Nobody looks like replacing Michael McIntyre any day soon. No Perrier Awards or stand-up gigs at the Edinburgh Festival yet.
You've all still got the day job.
Maybe some people are spending too much time in cyberspace and not enough time in the real world- the edges are starting to blur.
Starting to confuse Facebook with friendship. Totally different animals.
Friends are people you can fall out with, argue with, fight with, call each other names, rat on shit on yet still meet up the next day for a beer.
A friend is not someone you drop like a hot potatoe because they didn't like your last sub.
How many NB 'friends' meet up in real time?
Let's not pretend we can be critical of each others work. That's not going to happen. When's the last time you read constructive criticism here on NB - it doesn't work like that. It's not what we want to hear, it's not what we come here for.
Which is why people only post glowing tributes and flattering comments.
There have been many times when I thought the FP award has been a little generous. More about the contributor than the contribution.
But then I only quite like Billy Connoly and thought The Office stank.
I have also met several NB regulars and can honestly say they were all great fun, good to be around, good company.
Maybe the feeling wasn't entirely mutual, but I can live with that.
If you insist on acting like primma donnas then somebody is always going to come along to prick your bubble, send you up, be the turd in the swimming pool.
Not everybody wants to be your new best friend.
It's good fun in here and there are some good people but if you were to all die tomorrow I doubt anybody would lose much sleep over it.
Just like in the real world.
ps....apologies for putting 'there' instead of 'their' earlier
There are a few real (as in paid) writers here, Ed: Mary (a real pro ... and writing-wise, too; journalist, as is Mr Blacker - if you can count [whispers] local radio), Neil (radio credits), Shitsu and Stoopy and others (stand up) and so on. BUT most of us come here to play. And comedy is one of those very tribal, very personal things, as is very obvious from the threads where people say what they like and what makes them switch off the tv/radio.
My take on the world is it's a much more pleasant place if we're all friendly and positive and helpful. But then I work for a charity so I would say that, I suppose.
In the real world, our best days are when people say something good that we feel we have earned - you've spent some extra time tidying something (spreadsheet/counter/storeroom/loo) at work and the boss says it's been well-done; then your neighbour thanks you for rescuing their cat from your bbq; then your friend phones and suggests a night out ...
Bad days are when, despite effort, we're denigrated: the boss ignores all our work and says you've "feckin' missed that KIP"; neighbour's cat's peed all over our patio and so has neighbour; no one phones all week ...
You were a lurverly Biscuiteer to spend the evening with in the pub, btw. Mwah.
And Alan, have no idea who you are but thank you for your kind comment a few pages ago. Mwah.
I must disagree with part of your post, Mr Hack.
Jeni B suggested that I remove the final para of a sub and improved it immensely. Oxbridge completely rewrote a sub that I
couldn't be arsed, ahem, didn't have the time to tinker with.
Most of my subs provoke no comments at all, but I'm always grateful for constructive advice.
My shared FP came about because the Artist Formerly Known as games, no known as fun and ..., and I dared each other to come up with two different subs on the same theme. I critiqued his and he mine. Suggestions, edits and improvements were made on both sides, speelign orerrs were pointed out, and grammer checked.
We both posted within minutes of each other, and were soundly rewarded for all our hard work by our two separate stories being quite cunningly grafted together.
One of the FP 'assists' I've chalked up came about from a bit of a laugh that Quaz, sauce, myself and a few others were having, which Quaz cobbled together into a brilliant sub and posted.
The very spirit of this site is supportive comment, constructive criticism and collaboration.
So what if it can be a little sycophantic?
If I wanted brutality and unfriendliness, I'd go to my local.
The fact is that there are people on here who I've never met, but would love to. Plans for some of us who live beyond the Forth to meet up with our resident baby-maker are afoot, and I know that the others are as keen for this to happen as I am.
Thanks to the artificial world that is Facebook, I'm now back in contact with an old school friend who moved away 25 yrs ago, and who I meet up with regularly again.
So it's not all false cyber friendship.
....just been distracted by Tumble-Dryer Repair man, and completely lost my train of thought...
Scottish Iron Moger accused of fiddling with a 'Gnats Knackers' pleads innocent on grounds of a 'Gnats Knacker' being a traditional iron mongers alternative form of measurement.
Colin Toady, of Edinburgh pleaded not guilty today to a string of charges brought against him by the RSPCA, including his intimate knowledge of just how tight a ducks arse is, the quality of a dogs bollocks and the smoothness of a babies bum.
Basil Asquith, QC for the RSPCA stated sagely that this was an open and shut case, all the evidence was clear for anyone to see on Mr Toady's website in an open letter he wrote proclaiming such bizarre things as his cock hair and the use of the term 'smidgin' which is still being analysed but is assumed to have a similar meaning to felching...
In his defence, Colin Toady stated emphatically that despite all the rumours of him being a sour faced, fried food eating ginger scottish whinger, he was actually a passionate and artistic iron monger with a reputation for traditional work ethics.. "My work is the dogs bollocks, its finish is as smooth as a babies bottom and measurements are within a cocks hair of a Gnats Knacker.." when asked how he knew this he declined to answer...
I originally posted this as a seperate post, but it got lost amongst everything else.. if you want to verify the accuracy of this visit afternoonslow's website about iron mongery in Edinburgh and then look at the letter posted there..
Sorry to piss on your chips afternoonslow......
but I just love that expression and this seemed like a good excuse.
Blimey, finally made it to the end of this monumental thread. Well, what can I say. Not much as I have forgotten the original point, oh yes toads. On the one hand, I am guilty of such conduct but only if something has genuinely amused me, I can't speak for anyone else.
On the other hand, I can appreciate that there is a certain clique on NB which makes it a bit daunting to post something for the first time and any confidence rapidly disappears if those posts are ignored. 'Am I funny? Why is no-one commenting? What is Russell Brand?' are common thoughts that run through my mind at these times. Actually the one about Russell Brand happens a lot.
I think let's just let people do whatever they like, after all it is a free world, apart from the constant propaganda, media manipulation, CCTV, email monitoring and mind control ray nastiness that goes on. Newsbiscuit is a nice place to spend a bit of time and if you get a news ticker, NiB or front page then it is an even nicer place.
If you want real abuse, visit the forums on Chortle, they will strip you, stick things up you, steal your wallet and leave you crying naked at the side of the road before you have even completed the sign up process.
Oh and can I just out myself as a Surrey Newsbiscuiteer, I feel we are terribly under-represented on here. Essentially Surrey is London's anus, but then that makes Hertfordshire the breasts. Not sure where I am going with this, but anyway, thanks for listening.
Colin Tomasson: he sounds Scandinavian to me. Not that there's anything wrong with that. But if you're half Colin, and half norseman, it must be confusing sometimes. It'd be like being called Barry Beowulf.
He might have a point though. Perhaps we are a bit luvvy-ish.
I live in Surrey too. I tend to think of Kingston as London's bunion (as I'm sure it doesn't really belong, and no-one would miss it if they shaved it off)
I'm Surrey too...we are legion...I like to think of Chessington as Kingston's prolapsed rectum, poking out there.
Hail ye fellow Surrey Biscuits! Fancy starting a clique? Or at least getting together for a raclette fondu, as is the regional custom...
And Golgo, we recently enjoyed a family day out at Chessington World of Adventures, causing my husband to comment very loudly 'is it Raoul Moat lookalike day?' as we queued for the Bubbleworks...
I can't work-out afternoonslow's motive but suspect s/he is good at making pancakes
Lemon or Orange?
I thought the original post was a bit derivative. He just cut and pasted from the chat room, and there was no attempt at a punch line. Also, it was a bit long for a front page. Try cutting it to the best gags and get it down to about 4 paragraphs, otherwise it just comes over as the rantings of a panoid delusional maniac writing in green crayon on toilet walls.
I will answer, to spell it out for you;
I did not expect any response, was quite accustomed to being ignored.
It even seemed to me that a couple of things I had posted may have been ripped off and used unattributed on the fp...
(one about Nigella Lawson in fight in supermarket, http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=2784
was very similar to fp story about BBC posh Tottie Fighting .... link back to old post
and one about whale hunting.....whats wrong with eating Japs.....http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=6822">link to old post http://newsbiscuit.com/forum/topic.php?id=6822
bore a marked resemblance a couple of weeks later to story about foxhunting
so I had learned something of how the site works if you don't toady.....
All that I sought to do was to hold up a mirror “to see yourselves as others see you”.....anyone stumbling on the site for the first time would be amazed by the preponderance of 'darling, you were marvelous' comments, which might be fair enough if the fp were anything like as good as The Onion.
That was what set me off...the notion that British satire was reduced to “Queen’s waving arm to be used to generate power during Royal engagements”
…........honestly, anyone using Google's stumble facility set on satire and bringing that particular fp up would have dismissed NB out of hand as sub schoolboy drivel.
I did try a sort of protest, by saying “bollocks, this site has more toadies than the old Queen” on the relevant chat room thread praising that fp but no one took that as a serious comment. Well, ok, it was almost meaningless but I did make an effort.
So, having not expected any response, I was amazed by the sheer hatred and vitriol that poured out..........if you cannot laugh at yourselves, even when gently mocked by having your own comments thrown back at you, what right do you have to laugh at others?
That is not meant to be rhetorically posed, as I said, the venomous language used in response reflects on you, on your ( NB big-nobs) utter lack of humility.
Laughing at the rich and famous is comedy, laughing at the weak is bullying.
In this context, I am extremely weak and at a disadvantage, since I was honest enough to declare myself in public whilst I know nothing of any of you and cannot answer in kind. More fool me, I suppose.
I would have given up were it not for that......like all bullies, you are unaware of the repugnance with which your words and actions are held in by the world outside your little gang.
Yet there they are, still on the internet for all to see. I do hope you are proud of them.
So, a pain in the arse, paranoid delusional, scrawling on toilet walls with green crayon...speak for yourselves, I was not going to write anything else on this thread, I hope that this answers to your conceit.
Apart from that, thanks, one and all, I do enjoy a verbal punch-up as well as any.
I cannot BELIEVE Mary has fallen into the trap of qualifying her raclette with an uneccessary 'fondu'. Raclette is already melted! Tchoh.
Good Morning Afternoon ,
'...you are unaware of the repugnance with which your words and actions are held in the world outside...'
I'm very well aware sir.
Good day to you.
But I thought you were funny.
Well, nearly finny.
Why is everything to do with fish?
Hold on, our evolutionary origins perhaps?
@ afternoon slow
I kind of agree with you about the Queen waving hand to generate electricity FP. It was well composed, but the core concept was a bit weak, I thought. Heresy, I know. I don't sub much, so I wouldn't go out of my way to put a sub down - but I will back someone up if they've got a good point, and so I've written this.
Nice to have to back Plucky, albeit in your new guise of afternoonslow...
I prefered Plucky.
But of course, he was vulnerable, and more or less defenceless
I thought I would contribute to this discussion.
' Nearly finny ' I'll take it !
Read 'em and weep Evans , Darkbill et al.
Are you nearly finny ? says she. Won't be long now dear says I.
Surely Newsbiscuit offers that rare opportunity in life where people are expected take the piss out of each other, stiff the contributors, abuse them, ridicule them, be rude, be spiteful and yet still no one (should) take offence...but no.
For some reason, in this spoof, satirical make believe world of utter fantasy we are supposed to be so nauseatingly supportive of each other with our group hugs and high fives it would send Mother Teresa running out of the operating theatre puking into her surgical swabs.
Despite this being never-never land for grown-ups, we are supposed to give the level of support you wouldn't dream of giving your spouse, your partner, your family, your work colleagues.
We say shit things about them from morning till night.
But suggest somebody’s FP sub is less than brilliant and I think you’ll find Auschtwitz is too good for you.
Anybody who says anything less than flattering gets the same old playground response...'if you don't like it you can always go somewhere else'. In other words, if you're not prepared to tell me how lovely, hilarious, adorable, popular I am then you're not playing in our gang’.
You can criticise someone’s opinion – but hey, not their sub.
The Pope gets to take the piss out of Jesus more than we can about fellow contributors here on Newsbiscuit
And you thought God had an ego that needs constantly massaging.
Believe me, if I thought saying bitchy things about your latest sub or marking it down would get my crappy sub on the Front Page instead of yours - then just be grateful there isn't a minus button.
But it doesn't work, I've tried it.
You can't live in a world where everything is lovely. Unless of course I'm totally missing the point and it's a make believe fantasy world.
Of course, that's it. Durrrrrrrr
You're taking the piss already, aren’t you?
And there's me thinking you were all being serious about being lovely all the time.
Just kidding folks – it’s satire.
Don’t take it too seriously – and don’t forget to be supportive. Or critical.
Some of us gobby types just like to hear the sound of our own keyboards.
To be fair to Mary, not many people realise that "fondu" is the past participle of the verb "fondre" - to melt. And why should they, when you have so-called the "meat fondu", which doesn't involve any melting whatsoever?
Many people might not realize what it means but should someone ask them they would say poncy food (like in Wales )I am sure they would have a good guess.The Fondu just becomes the way of eating the food ,not what you put in it .Just like sushi ,people sometimes have sashimi (raw sliced fish no rice ) they eat it at a sushiya san not a sashimiya san .
I hope never to travel on a saga coach trip.
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