Supermarket behemoth Tesco has inadvertently solved the BP oil crisis by building a store over the ruptured well.
The new outlet, the latest in Tesco's seabed store concept, has brought timely good news for British Prime Minister David Cameron who is currently visiting the US for some reason.
Shares in BP climbed on the news, with the oil giant's CEO Tony Hayward apparently sighing "thank f*ck for that, I've got my life back". Markets have been rife with speculation of a possible takeover of BP, whose shares have plummeted in value since the start of the crisis in April.
"It's a bit of a mixed feeling to be honest", said a Tesco spokesman. "We had been hoping to buy BP and build a big petrol station around it. But not now the price has gone up."
A press release confirmed the new store has purged the spill, which has destroyed miles of coastline and laminated thousands of fluffy birds. "It was never our intention to solve the oil disaster" read the note to investors, adding "in fact, we had no idea that bit of the ocean floor was where the hole was. We're just chucking these stores all over the place as fast as we can.
"If we don't do it, Starbucks will."