The BBC is considering drastic options in order to continue the long term tradition of delivering election coverage anchored by a Dimbleby. David Dimbleby has the performed the ritual since 1979 but an insider said that he's been "looking a bit rough" in recent years and broadcasters need to cover their backs in case of illness or injury.
The importance of a Dimbleby to the general public has long been known. “Viewers can become distraught during times of change or upheaval. The Effect of The Dimbleby on election night allows our audience to regress into a beatific childlike state. Many have been known to dribble and hug their televisions when he appears. However, in his absence they can grow restless and cruel, often slaughtering household pets and stripping bits off of the skirting boards to beat the elderly with.”
But a balance has to be struck or the consequences can be disastrous. “One year, Jonathan was on ITV whilst we had David on BBC and several people slumped into transcendental catatonic states, becoming convinced that they had returned to the womb. Many never recovered and we have to keep them all fed and watered in a backroom. Dimblebys are important, but they must be used with caution,” he entreated.
Further to this, a Dimbleby in the studio has become increasingly vital in recent years. "Most people are unaware of his importance at TV centre but if he's not there the whole edifice crumbles around us. Many of the presenters begin to rock back and forth on their chairs in a state of agonised non-acceptance. He went out for a piss on Thursday night and by the time he'd got back, Kirsty Wark was flailing her arms around and wailing incoherently, whilst Nick Robinson had wet himself. That only used to happen with Kate Adie, but it's a growing problem".
Several solutions have been suggested. The obvious one is to bring back sibling Jonathan, though an intense and bitter rivalry between the brothers has meant that so far this has not been broached. "David threatened to defecate on the swingometer if there was so much as a hint of this in any contract or paperwork and we have to respect that. He made a dirty protest during the Jubilee when Sophie Raworth refused to buy him a Mars bar and the Palace were furious; we can't take any risks"
The other option, which is already in progress but only at an experimental stage, is to create an army of Dimblebys in the laboratory using the latest cloning techniques. However, progress is slow and they have already hit a number of glitches. “Parts of the lab look like a Dimbleby version of ‘Alien: Resurrection” said our source. A successful Richard was produced late last year but, said another insider, “he kept thinking it was the 1950s, pinching Emily Maitlis’s arse and calling her a lovely girl. He had to be stopped and it wasn’t pretty”
