Following news that Durex condoms is set to be sold to the makers of Cillit Bang, government health officials have announced that Barry Scott, frontman for the popular cleaning product, has been given the job of advising the nation on issues of sexual health.
Speaking at a specially convened press conference, Health Secretary Andrew Lansley told journalists that appointing Scott was an obvious move. 'With the makers of Cillit Bang now producing the UK's most popular contraceptive, it is only logical to have the face of that product advising us on such matters. Plus we have the added advantage of Barry's calm and measured way of getting his message across.' 'Hi, I'm Barry Scott!' Scott concurred, 'One chat with me and BAM! You're sexual health questions are answered!'
However the appointment has already drawn considerable criticism, following a disastrous trial consultation in which Scott invited shoppers at the Bluewater shopping centre to discuss their problems in a private booth. 'I went in to discuss my erectile dysfunction,' revealed one anonymous consultee, 'and all I got was a lecture on how to give my surfaces a super-shiny gleam, before being advised to massage my prostate gland and 'BAM!' no more flaccidity! All this at the top of his voice - I couldn't look the people queuing outside in the eye when I walked out.'
Scott is also facing allegations of causing actual bodily harm with his no-nonsense approach to dealing with sexually transmitted diseases. An undercover reporter for the Daily Mirror has described how he consulted Scott, claiming to have caught pubic lice during a one night stand. Scott is alleged to have said to the reporter 'Hi! I'm Barry Scott! One squirt of new Cillit Bang industrial strength oven cleaner and BAM! Say goodbye to those crabs!' The reporter is currently being treated for second-degree chemical burns to the scrotum and is expected to be able to sit down sometime in the next six months.