Police looking into the hole in the wall at Hatton Garden after a vault heist confirmed that their response is entirely in line with current policy to downgrade minor crimes such as domestic burglary. A police spokesman defended the decision not to inform the vault owner nor investigate the alarm while the robbery was in progress, as it only lasted several hours.
'Firstly, who actually pays any attention to burglar alarms? Quite often it is down to operator error or a computer glitch, so it is best to give it a while and see if the problem sorts itself out. The we have to establish the facts before we devote resources to any so-called alarm for a so-called break in at a so-called vault at Hatton Garden Saftey Deposit Box Ltd. If that is their real name.' He added, grimly.
'The public don't realise the pressure we are under with ever-diminishing resources. Our staff have to deal with a console of winky lights that never stops beeping. We have to prioritise. It is a misfortune for Hatton Garden that they appeared on the alert list among 'dull office blocks with spider plants', just above 'dispiriting muddy rural stuff with Satnav discrepancies.' he admitted. 'After a bit we had to mute the alarm our end because we just couldn't concentrate.'
These days we prefer to focus our limited resources on anything that makes us look like the Sweeney. The ideal scenario involves putting on the flashing lights and woo-woos, followed by a bit of dismounted action through somewhere with iconic architecture and bags of CCTV. This should culminate with taking the suspect down after knocking over a fruit stall and jumping some ticket barriers, with just the right number of admiring law-abiding bystanders. Although we would seek to avoid shooting unarmed Brazilians whose only crime was to 'look a bit handy' while running to catch a train, that is still the sort of shout we prefer.
In response to the latest revelation in the media that the police have still not contacted the vault's director three weeks after the incident, he offered 'It was Pierre-Joseph Proudhon, I believe, who said that all property is theft. So maybe they shouldn't want to hear from us.'
