Newspaper baron Richard Desmond has inadvertently poured one million pounds of his own money into UKIP’s war chest whilst trying to make a donation to crisp giant, Skips.
Desmond, owner of the Express, a paper with the morals of an overweight publican from 1955 who didn’t fight in the war for his wife to leave him for a black man, said the mistake was due to a technical malfunction.
‘I was doing it online and my fingers must have slipped. I told Joy I wasn’t ready for mobile banking’.
‘I’m horrified. I wanted to show my support for Skips; they’re delicious, they go with anything, and unlike certain Lineker-shilled spud-flakes, have consistently kept below inflation’.
Long-time readers of the Express have been coloured baffled by the announcement. ‘The Express is normally such am inclusive, liberal-minded kind of paper. I mean, their article about how immigrants have souls too convinced me to stop letting my son key the next door neighbours car’.
Despite numerous attempts Desmond has been unable to recovery they money as, ironically, UKIP have a ‘no returns’ policy.
‘The simplest way to sort this out would be to make an equivalent donation to all the major political parties. But I’m not sure I can face Nick Clegg staring up at me, eyes welling with gratitude, like an X-Factor contestant at the only judge who doesn’t have the heart to publically smash an autistic twelve year old’s dreams until at least the second round’.
Desmond was born wearing a three piece suit in London in 1951. After a short spell living in a flat, an experience to which he would attribute his in-depth knowledge of the minds of working class people for the next half a century, Desmond found success in the publishing industry. In 2000, borne along by the profits of various adult publications like a Mexican wave of breasts, Desmond acquired the Express Newspaper group and in 2001, fought a dual with Daily Mail’s head honcho, Viscount Rothermere, to decide whose paper would get to be the most openly xenophobic. Outside of work Desmond likes to spend his time walking, gardening and dodging Levinson probes, and has reportedly accumulated so much wealth he could wipe himself off with a fist-full of bank notes every day after his morning dump and never feel a dent in his bank balance.