A tense police stand-off with a gun-wielding maniac developed in a Barnstaple supermarket car park today after an apparently minor spat between Kyle Ward and his parents inside the family's local Tesco store 'got a bit out of hand'.
Witnesses say that, just minutes before the siege, the boy had been spotted holding a gun whilst lying screaming on the floor of the frozen foods aisle, along with a hysterical woman and a man later identified as his father slumped over the handle of a shopping trolley, 'possibly grumpily'.
When the water-pistol-touting 6-year-old refused to 'get back into the bloody trolley' after being denied an ice cream 'for squirting that poor lady', the family abandoned their shopping trip and returned to the car park where Kyle promptly locked himself in the family car. 'The sneaky little bastard spotted the car keys on the driver's seat, climbed in and locked the doors,' said Kyle's father Chris. 'I could have swung for him!'
Store security staff tried to intervene, only to be met with a blobbed-out tongue and an unusual sequence of hand gestures, later discovered to mean 'you smell like poo'. 'He's just over-tired after a busy morning,' explained Kyle's mother Amanda, but Chris was less charitable. 'Over-tired my arse, he's just an obnoxious little shit,' he said. 'Kyle managed to find some slightly molten chocolate in the glove box,' said Amanda. 'I know it can sometimes make him a bit boisterous, but I was completely mortified when he started mooning us. That's when I called the police.'
After spending 'quite some time' searching for the correct supermarket, the scene was eventually cordoned off whilst police negotiators attempted to resolve the situation 'ideally without blood loss', and several witnesses heard officers shout 'put the Aero down and come out with your pants up' through a megaphone. The cordon was widened for public safety after rumours that the water pistol was loaded with 'something staining, possibly Ribena', with officers hastily spraying their bullet-proof vests with Scotch Guard from aisle 19, followed by some cheap plastic ponchos and the occasional ill-fitting pack-a-mac.
The tension was heightened when Kyle, mimicking recent graphic newspaper articles, knelt down outside the car with the gun in his mouth and threatened to 'end it all' by drinking the sugary cordial. After what may have been a radio miscommunication, followed by some rapid discussion about whether it was still available, police were apparently authorised to deployed 'Tizers', after which Kyle was finally apprehended and returned to his parents 'much refreshed, if a little hyperactive'.
[WITH SUGGESTIONS FROM JP1885]