Under-fire Education Secretary, Michael Gove, last night reassured children in Britain’s crumbling schools that the asbestos they like to play with during break-time won’t kill them unless they inhale bloody great lungfuls of it.
Conceding that the money intended for school repairs had been pissed up the wall by bankers, he pledged to educate children to the many other hazards present in the nation’s schools rather than remove them. These include things like exposed overhead wiring, the stuff that sticks out of walls which looks like candy floss but tastes much worse and geography teachers who ask you to stay behind after school and tell them about the problems you’ve been experiencing at home.
Gove took pains to point out that not all types of asbestos are dangerous and that the really firm stuff makes excellent goalposts or heat-resistant skateboards, ideally suited for hot summers, such as those rarely experienced in Britain.
‘It’s only really the powdery stuff you need to watch out for’, Gove told children at the semi-derelict Bebington High School on the Wirral, ‘and if you do inhale it, the worst effects can be overcome by going for a jog along the beach, repeated coughing fits, or in rare cases six months on a ventilator in an NHS hospital. ‘
‘Job’s a good ‘un.‘
And Gove promised that all children would receive a basic grounding in First Aid including how to place a child in the recovery position after it has been hit by falling masonry, how to remove interior wall cladding from the oesophagus of an inquisitive eight year-old and what steps to take on discovering that the entire year ten is located in a difficult to get at position under a collapsed roof, after someone went up to retrieve a ball.
‘And can I just say, and please stop sniggering at the back, that running really fast down a corridor into which the doors open outwards is extremely foolish and will be punishable by detention, ‘ said Gove .
‘And that includes you Tomkinson!’