Shadow Education Secretary David Willets answered his critics today by issuing new guidelines to children in England and Wales on schoolyard scraps.
"Our children have become soft under 13 years of Labour" he said. "These new guidelines will set out once and for all what is allowed and not allowed in playground pagga across the land."
"Since the current rules were outlined in the 1950s many things have changed in the world and so under a Conservative government we feel parents, teachers and children need new guidelines."
The "not hitting girls" rule will stay, as will "not hitting boys with glasses" although Mr Willets clarified that "there is a caveat on specky boys not giving it all this."
Under these proposals the traditional chant "All join up for war" will be replaced by "All join up for reintroducing democracy to a friendly, oil-rich nation who may buy some of our aircraft at some time in the future" and "Kill all puffs" will be replaced by "Lets introduce physical sanctions against those with dissimilar life choices to our own."
Racist chants and name-calling will be banned unless the child is clearly white, in which case calling him a "Chinaman" is perfectly all right, particularly if the said child has a bit of a squint.
Finally, the phrase "my dad can fight your dad" will be banned. This will be replaced with, "My mum's significant life partner" or "my mother's boyfriend/girlfriend" can fight the scarier of yours.
However, during trials in the south east this led to a complicated issue when Ian Sanders of East Ham turned up at the school gates to punch another dad's lights out only to find that he was in fact sleeping with both boys' mothers and was, therefore, expected to give himself a good kicking.
Ed Balls, Secretary of State for Education, said that once again Tory policies have not been thought through, and if this was introduced then local hard men like Mr Sanders would just be made to look like fools.
Tories outline new guidelines on playground fighting.
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Shadow Education Secretary David Willets answered his critics today by issuing new guidelines to children in England and Wales on schoolyard scraps.Posted 6 years ago #
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