Defence Secretary Liam Fox has denied charges that a raft of new Health and Safety laws for the army, the navy and the airforce are being introduced as a cost-cutting exercise.
“It has been drawn to my attention that under the previous government many of our troops were running around in very great danger. They have been carrying sticks that can, if not properly secured, be used to shoot people. We have found evidence of aeroplanes that carry big heavy things that if dropped would cause significant injury.”
“What we are proposing is a radical approach to defence, in order to protect the men and women in our armed forces. Every soldier, sailor or airman will be allocated a health and safety inspector, whose job will be to ensure they remain safe from harm. At the same time, we will be wrapping the more dangerous and pointy parts of our troops’ equipment up, in a sort of plastic and cotton-wool amalgam, to prevent anyone from getting hurt.”
John Osman, Communications director for BAe Systems, which devleops technology for fighter planes, admitted it was going to be quite tricky to build aircraft to the new specifications. "Quite frankly, wrapping an F15E Strike Eagle in a child's bouncy castle is going to limit much of the advanced functionality of the plane, not to mention the pilot's visibility. But the 750 billion pounds we have been given to solve the problem has sweetened the pill somewhat."