The BBC has revealed an ambitious plan to win Easter ratings, with the head of a powerful institution revered and reviled around the world in equal measure, and a much-loved elderly anachronism, both quitting on the same day.
A one-off Top Gear is to be commissioned, on the understanding that Jeremy Clarkson will be a guest rather than a presenter, alongside Pope Francis. A communiqué from His Holiness’s Apostolic Nuncio to Great Britain has confirmed that the Pope is 'up for it', particularly the 'Fastest Pontiff in a Reasonably-Priced Cart Challenge', which he hopes to complete in under 55 minutes.
During the action-packed episode the two guests face an engineering contest titled 'Pope my ride' where they take bizarrely-sourced hot-rods and convert these to an open-topped armoured golf carts, then drive their creations in a modern-day re-enactment of the Ben-Hur chariot race. The winner will be invited to quit his job, alongside the loser if he survives. As usual the Top Gear boys will go too far and hilarity ensues. After a prolonged, contrived and flawless stream of swearing by Clarkson, the pontiff will perform an exorcism while co-presenters James May and Richard Hammond make hilarious quips.
Later, Hammond will delight viewers with a plucky attempt at the Formula One Speedy Gonzales 'fastest-small-mammal' land speed record attempt, without actually tearing his head off. James May will make effete droning noises while his carers gently remind him he isn't a spitfire pilot.
A live video link to the Dalai Lama is planned, with His Holiness waving a 'Team Francis' pennant, while David Cameron is to engage in a similar broadcast from his drawing room, wearing a T-shirt with 'his dear friend Jeremy's' head on it. David and Justine Miliband will be shown waving enthusiastically from their Second Kitchen, cheering on 'whoever the people like, especially working families, for a brighter future'. Nigel Farage is understood to be disappointed not to be included in the video line-up of well-wishers, amid fears that he would emphatically bang on about his testicles and immigrants 'like a Top Gear presenter'.
A BBC insider has hinted at a potential pontiff coup, which 'may or may not involve Jeremy kissing His Holiness's ring. Though even that cannot save him. Mind you, he'll probably be resurrected by Murdoch after three days.'
