Zia Yusuf horrified that some people are from abroad
Senior Reform figure Zia Yusuf has expressed his horror at discovering that some people currently in Britain are from abroad. Specifically, he said he was concerned about Sagal Abdi-Wali, the Somali-born candidate he said was being “foisted” on the people of Holborn by Labour. His tweet ended “Do you understand what’s happening?”, a question he later elaborated on in discussion with party workers. “Everywhere you look, you see people who aren’t from here,” he lamented. “And h
King pays Andrew's Pizza Express bills
King Charles has paid a six figure sum to clear Andrew's Pizza Express bills for the last twenty years. Andrew claims that the pizzas were all free, as he was a royal and also a brand ambassador. He says he provided invaluable publicity for the pizza chain as he always used them as his alibi when he couldn't reveal his real location. A spokesperson claiming to represent Pizza Express said that they were grateful to the king for clearing the delinquent's account and that they
Zack Polanski needs bodyguards 'to protect him from himself'
Green Party leader Zack Polanski has been assigned a team of bodyguards who will accompany him at all times. The passing of the motion that “Zionism equals racism” means that the Green Party is no longer a safe space for Jews - not even its leader. The bodyguards have instructions to look out for Polanski launching any surprise attacks against himself, especially since 'that’s just the kind of sneaky thing Jews would do.' Polanski himself says he didn’t ask for this extra pr
B52s needed to protect the voting booths
President Trump has denied that the US Air Force has been spooked by three Transit vans and five guys syphoning petrol. The relocation of the B52 bomber fleet is more to do with illegal voting than being scared of Iran. Honestly. 'Iran isn't an issue for the United States,' he said today, 'but illegal voting is.' There is little, if any, evidence of meaningful voting crime in the US, and the President thinks dropping nuclear bomb on potential Democrat voting queues would c
Mid-term madness?
There are less than thirty days to the US mid-term elections. The polls look very bad for Donald Trump, so he’ll need to put in an unbelievable performance to turn things around. Here are our best predictions of what you can expect... Trump tries to shout down the price of oil, again Trump offers to arm Argentina so that they can take back Las Malvinas on condition that they are renamed The American Islands and that the US gets all the oil Millions of dollars are spent on soc
US bombers leave UK – oh dear, what a shame
While many might argue this weakens the special relationship, others would say that it means the UK is no longer snuggled up to Mad McTrump the Bedwetting Beast of Crazytown. What was originally pitched as a great security partnership soon turned into ‘congratulations, you're now on several targeting maps – and everyone hates you.’ Supporters call it deterrence. Critics call it painting a bullseye on the UK. Explained one British General, ‘Nothing says independent foreign pol
Car of the month: Israel's Settler Extreme
'If you're a fan of the IDF Merkava,' said a spokes-gasket for the Likud Hard Right Coalition Motor Corporation, 'then you'll love this unbelievably unpleasant civilian counterpart we've brought onto the market: the West Bank Settler Extreme. 'The Settler is an all-terrain vehicle, meaning that it will ride roughshod over any Palestinian farmer in the West Bank and take all his terrain. "And it comes complete with a licence - a licence to do whatever the hell it likes while t
World in shock as Trump expresses no opinion about something
Silence descended on newsrooms across the world as they realised that US President Donald Trump had not opined about some story he'd just seen on the telly. 'Whether it's the RAF Fairford incident, the Flydubai pilot stabbing or rioting French school kids,' said the editor of Rotters, the international press agency dedicated to covering Trump and his buddies, 'we've always waited eagerly to see whatever unsolicited comment the President has come out with. 'However rash, ignor
Trump: How I'm totally not like Iran's tyrants
"Here's the reason why every true patriot should support me when I start bombing Iran again after the mid-terms," US President Donald Trump told his favourite publication, Antichristian Science Monitor. "Their leaders are downright un-American. "They rule their country on a whim, waste money on self-worshipping vanity projects and rake huge amounts of money off the top, which is totally unlike the way I do things. "They're also a bunch of self-righteous hypocrites who accuse
Trump to rebrand bread to test the faithful
After a modest success in promoting the phrase ‘Super Intelligence’ as a replacement for Artificial Intelligence, Donald Trump is set to test the sycophancy of his faithful by renaming ‘bread’ as ‘bakey goodness’. ‘They love me like they love Jesus’, Trump might have said. ‘And Jesus tested his disciples by playing dead. I’m not dead. They keep trying but The Donald won’t die. And if he does, he will rise again. From this day forward let us never use the word ‘bread’ again. L
