Trump loses his sh!t
US president Donald Trump has reacted furiously to the humiliation of being mocked by Belgian footballers by declaring that unless the result is overturned, the ceasefire with Iran is over. In a rambling statement, Trump said, 'Unless Infantino does the decent thing and reinstates the United states team every time they lose, until I have lifted the world cup for them, millions of Iranian people will be blasted to oblivion. You know, we treated those bastards so well during th
Farage rules out standing in Farage by-election
Nigel Farage has ruled out standing in the Clacton by-election. Labelling the election a "circus" Mr Farage said that this was merely an attempt to change the subject and he, for one, would not stand for it. Clacton "This is simply a rather embarrassing way of trying to divert interest away from parliamentary investigations into my finances. I am completely innocent, when George Cottrell handed me a bag marked 'swag' and asked me to keep it safe for him, I simply did him a fa
Farage incensed that he's running against a joke candidate
'Nigel wasn't surprised when Labour pulled out of the by-election,' said a Reform spokesman. 'The Tories chickening out was a no-brainer,' he said, 'because we hold the brains of the Tory party here,' said, admitting that Lee wasn't included. Nor Suella, to be fair. 'And don't draw any conclusions about Honest Bob until after the NCA ivestigation,' he added. 'We thoroughly expected the Lib Dems to refuse to stand. Nobody in Clacton wants to care about people, that's why the
Reform accuses Count Binface of 'not being a real bin'
Private investigators working for Reform UK Ltd claim to have 'conclusive proof' that Count Binface isn't a genuine space-travelling dustbin. 'We know a LOT about rubbish here at Reform', a spokesnazi told us 'and that bin is definitely upside down. It's such a basic error we're surprised the rest of you hadn't spotted it'. It has been suggested that Binface might actually have a university degree, making him a 'public enemy' in the eyes of Reform's leaders, who plan to cance
Voters of Clacton to decide whether climate change is real
As the UK swelters in the third heatwave of the summer, it was announced today that the people of Clacton in Essex will be given the chance to rule on whether climate change is a real thing or “just an establishment stitch-up”. “Yes, these things were once decided by scientists with qualifications,” said spokesman Dave Concrete of the Reform Party, which organised the poll. “Just as you might, say, get forensic accountants to go through a politician’s finances to determine wh
Trump declares ceasefire with Belgium is over
Belgium brought this on themselves," ranted Trump at a NATO meeting in Ankara. "They broke the Memorandum of Understanding whereby if they knocked the US out of the World Cup, we'd bomb the hell out of them. "And even if they didn't understand this at the time, they sure as hell will when half of Brussels is in ruins. "I can't deal with them any more, they're scum," declared America's convicted criminal, scumbag president. "Just give me time to get across the other side of th
President Trump awakes from nap to rage against corruption at the world soccer jamboree
Donald Trump today raged against corruption at the bigly soccer jamboree after waking from an unscheduled nap to the news that USA had been thrashed by Belgium after the reinstatement of a banned player. After having his nappy changed and being reminded that the reinstated player was the star player of the USA, Trump called a press conference in which he said ' I call for this match to be declared void, and victory be awarded to the United States team. Not only did a banned
King Arthur awakes and dresses in a rush to save nation
"Christ, is that the time?" gasped Arthur, tumbling out of his tomb under Glastonbury Tor and donning his chainmail in a panic. "I promised to return and save Britain if ever it were in dire peril," muttered the once and future king, girding Excalibur and taking a quick slug of coffee from the Holy Grail. "Now look what I've done. I dozed off here on the Isle of Avalon and slept right through the catastrophic administrations of Boris, May, Truss and Starmer. "God knows how th
King Charles in 'advanced talks' over Haaland problem
King King Charles is said to be making good progress in his bid to get Donald Trump to force.... sorry, request FIFA to issue a retrospective red card to Erling Haaland for doing nothing wrong in Norway's world cup round of 16 win over Brazil, thereby making the freak of nature ineligible for the quarter final with England,, Citing the special relationship, Charles wasn't making much progress so he then moved on to the next stage, threatening to ask the relevant people to
Clacton loses hardworking MP
As Nigel Farage resigns, the constituents of Clacton will have to do without his uncanny ability to look busy while doing absolutely nothing. They fondly recalled his ‘delegating’ of casework tasks by pretending not to hear them. And whose main parliamentary achievement was turning up late and leaving early. One Clacton resident observed, ‘I admired his unwavering commitment to avoiding eye contact when responsibility approached. And I’ll miss his bold stance of abstaining fr
