Tweedy Cole Tweedy Cole (her off the X-Factor), 27, recently diagnosed as suffering from the world's number one killer disease Malaria, has made a miraculous recovery following an intensive treatment of Craster kippers, stottie cakes and pease pudding.
Cheryl, has been quoted as saying:
"Howay man them antymalarial drugs is shite (mind you I divent took none anyhoo) - aall I needed was a couple of Crapster Kippers in a stottie cake and naa I feel crack a fucking jack. I bet ye Bill Gates is feeling a bit fucking stupid today afta pissin' aall that money away lukin' for a cuer when we had the ansa in the toon aall along."
Top scientists from the world's leading research institutions are now flocking to the United Kingdom in an attempt to find cures for mankind's most pernicious diseases. Professor August Balls, 152, from Oxford University said "Cheryl's miraculous recovery has really opened the scientific community's eyes to the potential health benefits of UK regional cuisine. Current areas of investigation are the use of black pudding as a cure for cancer, laverbread in the fight against AIDS and it is hoped that some Scottish delicacy may provide a cure for heart disease, type 2 diabetes and obesity."