Calling Benjamin Netanyahu a c%nt is still fine
While the British government has banned the use of the word uprising, citizens will still be allowed to call the Israeli PM a homicidal maniac. In fact, peace protesters will be encouraged to sing the chant "Who's the wanker in the black?". A minister defended the draconian law. "Words like rebellion are clearly racist. Empires and colonialists are always the good guys. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to instruct the Death Star to destroy the planet Alderaan." Wanted for geno
Everything in the USA to be renamed after Trump
After successfully renaming The Kennedy Center the Trump-Kennedy Center, in a fit of ego, President Trump has decided to name everything in USA after himself. "He's going to start with things he likes, the Trump-McDonalds-Big-Mac and Trump-Diet-Coke and see how it goes from there," said a Whitehouse Spokesman. The White House is expected to be renamed "The Trump House" from early January, with Washington DC expected to become "Trumpington DC" by February. When questioned abou
Reform Ltd to encourage Grift Aid
Subscribers to the hate outlet store that doubles as one of Nigel Farage's pensions have decided that MBHA (Making Britain Hate Again) is essentially a charity, not a political movement. 'Sure, we have political leanings,' said a spokesman for Reform Ltd today, 'but we clearly don't take that part seriously. Check out Nigel's surgeries in Clacton, for example. Or his appearances in Parliament. We exist to ensure Nigel has enough money to put food on the table - his table ,
Reindeer demand parity with Elves
Santa is tightening his belt after checking his pay slip, twice, and finding his salary has not risen. His per hour rate is the same as last Christmas, a mince pie and a glass of whisky. Elves, on the other hand, but have seen a slight bump in average pay compared to last year with twice much being provided in the four main food groups, candy, candy canes, candy corn, and syrup . A spokesdeer for the Union of Santa's Distributor and Reindeer (USDAR), Red Rudolf, admitted pile
Trump lawsuit shuts down the BBC
Faced with a five billion dollar legal claim from Donald Trump, the BBC has closed down. 'The BBC has no assets to speak of,' said a spokesman. 'Even the test card is owned by someone else. There's nothing left.' Now that the BBC has closed down, Donald Trump will not be able to recover any damages, and the BBC will not defend the case. Viewers need not worry, however. All of the BBC's staff will be taken on by a completely unrelated new body called BBC (2025) Limited.Â
Starmer scours the shops for that must have Xmas present
There is always one thing at Christmas that turns out to be the ‘must have’ present and is nowhere to be found. Remember searching for that Tracy Island toy, or Pokémon, or Cabbage Patch dolls? Everyone is afflicted, even the Prime Minister. Keir Starmer’s top team are scouring all the shopping centres inside the M25 on his behalf. And Keir himself has taken a long lunch break to search the shops on Oxford Street in London. All to no avail. Keir is desperately searching fo
Russia offers to head up foreign interference enquiry
The Russian foreign minister Sergey Lavrov has offered Russian help in the announced enquiry into foreign interference. 'It is a terrible thing if a Sovereign State's business is interfered in,' he said today, 'and it looks like the UK might have UK politicians involved. You won't know who to trust, so it's best to let an independent country run your investigation. We in Russia will be happy to help, we'll look at all the evidence available about your politicians, in fact we
NATO asks for a war for Christmas
The Head of NATO said he was super excited to get play with Action Men figures, once his wish for WWIII comes true. Singing a rendition of O Come All Ye Soldiers and Jingle Shells, he declared that Europe must go to war with Russia, if he is to meet his appraisal targets. He said Santa’s Shock and Awe would ensure that Slay Bells Ring, while he encouraged all NATO members to Deck the Halls with Boughs of Ammo. When asked if he thought a winter offensive would be a good idea,
Bribe replacement service to replace gravy train over Christmas shutdown
Due to essential maintenance payments needed over the festive season, British politicians are going to be unable to catch the gravy train. Luckily the government has arranged for a bribe replacement service to be implemented so that the grift keeps on coming. The replacement service is available to local and national level politicians of all political parties. A government spokesman insisted that all bribes are eligible for Grift Aid, meaning that the taxpayer will chip in
Christmas Appeal
Could you help someone disadvantaged this Christmas? Your kindness could make a real difference. Many MPs can't get by on their salaries and expenses alone. Freebie suits and dresses and spectacles are hard to come by these days. And the long term prospects for many MPs look grim. Have you seen the opinion polls? Many MPs can't go back to their wives this Christmas, because of their challenging behaviour. Others can't use their second homes as they are being staked out by the
