Jeremy Albarn, a resident of Clapham, London, last night decided that he would set up a standing order of ten pounds a month to Oxfam for the forseeable future, on the grounds that this is about the amount he owes the rest of the world beyond his doorstep.
“I look after my family,” Mr Albarn explained, “And that costs me about two thousand pounds a month. Well, admittedly, some of that is from child benefit, but even that comes from my taxes, when my accountant can't avoid them. And then I spend about two hundred a month on going out. I don't go out much but I like single malt whiskies so I need to treat myself. All things considered, ten pounds a month is about what I can spare for the rest of the world. It's not like the world has ever done much for me, so I reckon that's about right.”
A spokesman for Oxfam said, “We very much appreciate this new donation, as we appreciate all donations, and we understand that many people can only spare a little. With that small amount of money we can give a man a net so he doesn't need a fish. Well, he does need a fish of course, he can just get it himself.”
When asked about the net that Oxfam would be giving on his behalf Mr Albarn appeared confused. “Really? They give nets? Don't they break? I thought they gave food or something.” When pressed further on his knowledge of Oxfam's methods Mr Albarn became irritated. “Look, the fact is, I read Nietzsche at university and I know I don't actually owe the world anything. I mean, screw that, morality is just a part of the bourgeois slave mentality. I admit I don't know what happens to that money, but I don't really care.” He later added, “I also have faith in Oxfam. They seem nice.”
The man who got the net was not available for comment, having run out of credits on his mobile phone soon after selling a net to purchase the phone at the local market. He hopes the phone will allow potential employers to contact him following the death of all the fish in his local lake after the lake shrank to a small salty pond as a result of local climatic changes.