Classic News:

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Jenrick's speech 'sounded better in the original German'

Some people may have listened to the speech Robert Jenrick gave to the Tory party conference with mounting alarm, said a spokesman for...

Jeremynh

Rated Top 10 in the world of satire

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Publishing:

Don't Let's Be Beastly To War Criminals

Senior politicians have lambasted peace protestors for being terribly rude. Pointing out that someone is a genocidal maniac is not the...

Wrenfoe

Tories offer to get young people on Rwandan Housing Ladder

Speaking to a room of seats at the Conservative Party Conference, the shadow chancellor announced a merger of classic policies to create...

James_doc

Farage to be nominated for volunteering award

‘Volunteering is when you do something for free’, a spokesman explained. ‘For example, if I’m paid by the Council to pick up litter but...

Sully

Caption Competition: Friday 10th October

The Comments Section is currently closed. Please wend your way to Facebook https://www.facebook.com/NewsBiscuit to enter. The closing...

"So, From This Exact Location we Should now be Able to Book an Online GP Appointment."

Winner: DeskPilot Runners-Up: "And this is me after the whale spat me out." (DickEveryman); "Coastguard advice is to avoid looking like...

Big Turnout for Charlie Kirk Resurrection.

Winner: DickEveryman Runners-Up: "World's tallest man gives speech." (MrQ); "MAGA supporters told to look out for earthworms." (APepper).

Tories promise to abolish Stamp Duty, Europe and gravity

Skin colour is not about the colour of your skin, says Jenrick

Jenrick wants more white faces as leader of opposition

Jenrick highlights whites not intergrating in Hansworth

Cutbacks at military firing range see staff fired

Trump nominated for Nobel Taking The Peace Prize

Right to free speech to be restricted to protect freedom of expression

Jilly Cooper bonked her head

Horoscopes for October by 'Krystal Balls'

Aries You are a committed, passionate and obsessive person. You naturally, therefore, spend a lot of your time following your passions,...

Lockjaw

Behind the scenes at the Tory Party Conference

How to get rich quick

Meanwhile, at the Sherpa camp, Mount Everest ...

The nom de plume

Random story generator deployed at The Sun

It has long been suspected that articles at tabloid papers have been cobbled together by interns with a drink problem. But the reality is...

Brexiteers slowly returning to the primordial soup claims leading anthropologist

A leading anthropologist has put forward the theory that people who voted in favour of Britain leaving the European Union in 2016 are...

Ironically early Christmas adverts just as annoying as the real thing

Ironic Christmas adverts that call attention to how absurdly early they are airing are just as irritating as the real thing, according to...

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NewsBiscuit – has done to journalism what flat earthers have done to NASA. It has redefined the word truth, beaten it to death and buried it in an undisclosed location. This collection of stories from 2013-17 walks a fine line between absolute twaddle and actionable slander. NewsBiscuit – real fake news.

This lovingly crafted compendium comes in a paper-based format and a digital-thingy for those who know how to work that stuff.

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Our annual for 2021-22

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Available in Paperback, Hardback and eBook.

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Politics

Don't Let's Be Beastly To War Criminals

Senior politicians have lambasted peace protestors for being terribly rude. Pointing out that someone is a genocidal maniac is not the...

Jenrick's speech 'sounded better in the original German'

Some people may have listened to the speech Robert Jenrick gave to the Tory party conference with mounting alarm, said a spokesman for...

Tories offer to get young people on Rwandan Housing Ladder

Speaking to a room of seats at the Conservative Party Conference, the shadow chancellor announced a merger of classic policies to create...

Farage to be nominated for volunteering award

‘Volunteering is when you do something for free’, a spokesman explained. ‘For example, if I’m paid by the Council to pick up litter but...

Quitting bombing could be tough for Israeli war cabinet

"If you've been bombing Gaza constantly for two years, you may experience severe withdrawal pangs from a ceasefire," Dr Hiram S....

What the farage? - Noleg Farageov is secret British triple bluff to fool Putin

A double agent for both MI5 and MI6 has confirmed that Noleg Farageov is a sweet, sweet play to con Russia into believing they've...

Dictator Tromp Issues Executive Order

Dictator Tromp, of Trompaloonyland, has today signed an Executive Order making it illegal to walk forwards. As of tomorrow morning,...

'POTUS 48 will be David Hasselhoff' confirms Russia

The People's Democratic Republic of Putin has announced that the next president of America will be Michael Knight during the week and...

VIP lane criticised for using sub-standard VIPs

The former Conservative Government, of no fixed abode, pleaded guilty this week to using ‘VIPs of a substandard or shoddy quality’....

Gaza interim leader Blair calls Gordon Brown in for "one last job"

The potential new Gaza authority interim leader, Tony Blair, is looking to bring in former Deputy and PM Gordon Brown for "one last job"....

UK’s whimsy reserves at a record low

A report in to the UK’s whimsey levels show that reserves are at their lowest level since the end of World War 2. “It’s somewhat of a...

Prime numbers accuse mathematicians of discrimination

Prime numbers from around the world are supporting a claim from the number 17 for the right to self-identify as an even number. 'For far...

Pinching and punching show healthy growth, no returns largely ignored

As the first day of the month hits the UK, early reports show that the "pinch, punch, first day of the month" ritual has seen a steady...

Nation's serial killers announce dismemberment outsourcing deal

The National Union of Serial Killers today announced a ground-breaking dismemberment outsourcing deal allowing them to focus on core...

Horoscopes for October by 'Krystal Balls'

Aries You are a committed, passionate and obsessive person. You naturally, therefore, spend a lot of your time following your passions,...

200 years anniversary of first UK train complaint

Saturday 27th September 2025 represents the 200th anniversary of the opening of the first public steam railway - and the first complaints about the railway.

Judas apologises for Good Friday 'confusion'

In a rare public statement, former disciple Judas Iscariot has apologised for the 'confusion' caused by his actions leading up to Good Friday in AD 30.

Doctors warn against listening to Trump while pregnant

Doctors have warned pregnant women not to listen to Donald Trump, as doing so could harm their unborn child.

Epstein estate try to distance themselves form Sarah Ferguson

The Duchess of York has learned that the estate of Jeffrey Epstein has distanced themselves from her and announced that they had been mere acquaintances.

British couple freed after months in Taliban prison: 'We were totally spying!'

A British couple who were imprisoned by the Taliban in Afghanistan for nearly eight months have been released but admit, with a small amount of giggling, 'We were totally spying'.

Science
&
Business

Lifestyle

Jeff Bezos: Saviour Of The World

The world has fallen prostrate at the feet of Amazon warehouse king, Jeff Bezos. Despite the best efforts of the police, various...

TitusScam Homeopathic Wellfullness Tablets

These are supplied - eventually - probably, and at additional cost - in the form of an empty box which used to contain the tablets. ...

Michelle Mone may be aware of £122 Million Gown Fraud verdict

PPE Medpro is to payback the £122,000,000 to the government for gown fraud. The agreement is to pay £100 a month for the next one million...

‘Short Man’ energy to be harnessed by National Grid

Scientists at the University of Padgate claim to have discovered a new energy source. ‘Short men fizz with this dark, somewhat chaotic...

Nigel’s girlfriend to launch ‘Elite Waitressing’ blog?

Laure Ferrari is an unlikely feminist heroine, given that she’s shacked up with a leatherette man-frog, but her ability to afford a £900k...

Addresses stolen in Nursery Land hack

Hackers say they have stolen the pictures, names and addresses of around 8,000 Nursery Land characters including The Master, the Dame and the Little Boy who lives down the lane.

World's first gravy shop opens in Oldham

'Gravy Status' is believed to be the first outlet in the world serving pure gravy to gravyholics.

Flat earther flown into space, now claims his eyes are in on the hoax

Gary Newbold, 27, was the first flat earther sent into space, in a bid by the government to combat conspiracy theorists by exposing them...

Iguana's rare 'virgin birth' shocks Catholic Church

The pope has asked everyone to treat lizards with respect, in case one of those born in a Telford zoo from a virgin mother might be the...

Moon will be blue during next lunar eclipse, vows Reform

"Aren't you sick of the moon turning red every time there's a lunar eclipse?" Reform's in-house astronomer asked an almost empty press...

Reform top policy to change airport signage to 'Deportures'

Becoming bored with flags, or flagging, Reform UK is pivoting to signs.

Exasperated Corinthians receive yet another letter from St Paul

News from Corinthia today as adminstrators for the region check the post and discover yet another missive from St Paul. "Oh my God, it's...

Israel claims Palestine was playing tinny music from its phone

The all-out annihilation of Palestine - ideally accompanied by the death of all Palestinians - can now proceed with an active chorus of...

FBI now says Isle of Wight never existed

After an exhaustive investigation into cub scout trafficking, the FBI have concluded that no one of influence - or sound mind - ever...

Pied Piper steals hundreds of robot lawnmowers

A sophisticated hacker has stolen over a hundred robot lawnmowers in the last month. Residents in an exclusive residential area in...

Campaign to make life on Guernsey even duller

A campaign was launched today to impose a 15mph speed limit on some of the smaller, quieter roads in Guernsey. “We’ve been aware for some...

Mayor of London to ban cooking at home

A leaked report from the office of the London Mayor Sadiq Khan sets out a plan to ban cooking at home. “50% of domestic fires start in...

Schrodinger's cat finally debunked by letters from his neighbours

Schrodinger famously postulated a thought experiment where a cat put in a box with a flask of poison and a radioactive material that...

Home Office launch “France really isn’t so bad” campaign

The Home Office today announced a new plan to deal with illegal migrants arriving on small boats. Entitled “France really isn’t so bad”,...

London Council Announces Groundbreaking Plan to Ignore New Petition of 100,000 Signatures

A well-known London Council, celebrated for persistently ignoring residents’ opinions on matters that deeply affect them has launched an...

Local News

Cancer cure 'A Waste of Time' say Dragons Den gurus

The BBC has asked entrepreneurs to 'stop wasting everybody's time' with unprofitable ideas after a medical researcher completely...

Britain now under Shakira Law

Due to a misunderstanding of a misspeak of a typo, the whole of the United Kingdom is now under Shakira Law. Some Brits are unclear what...

Outrage that Ellie Kildunne isn't homosexual or transgender

There is outrage that Ellie Kildunne is just a bloody good rugby player and appears to be neither homosexual, transgender, transsexual,...

Next week, BBC's Panorama will be shooting fish in a barrel

"For its next project," said a BBC spokes-bot, clutching a Colt 45 and a fishing net, "Panorama is going to lift the lid off a barrel of...

EA Games bought by Saudi Investment Group.....it'll be fine

Electronic Arts make some of the most popular video games, what are some of the expected new features now Mohammed bin Salman is...

Trump jails both US and European Ryder Cup teams

"I have issued an official legal order imprisoning everyone who played in last weekend's Ryder Cup for un-American activities," Trump...

Reform plans to scrap films with subtitles

Reform UK has announced it would abolish foreign films with subtitles, especially Welsh, if the party wins the next election.

Olivia Colman says no to film

In an unprecedented move that has shocked the world of cinema, actress Olivia Colman has said no to an offer of work. “Sorry, I just...

Freddie Kruger defects to Friday the 13th

Nightmare on Elm Street star Freddie Kruger has become the latest character to defect to another horror franchise. Kruger has been a...

Referees' Association introduces “autopen” system for Liverpool

The Referees Association announced today that it’s introducing an automatic penalty (or “autopen”) system for Liverpool FC. “Obviously...

Sport
&
Entertainment

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Inside the BBC's political bunker

Classic News:

If you like these headlines from our archive, why not join our writing team?

Jenrick's speech 'sounded better in the original German'

Do you have a performance or comic writing you would like our help to promote?

Publishing:

Don't Let's Be Beastly To War Criminals

Tories offer to get young people on Rwandan Housing Ladder

Farage to be nominated for volunteering award

​

Do you have a performance or comic writing you would like our help to promote?

Caption Competition: Friday 10th October

"So, From This Exact Location we Should now be Able to Book an Online GP Appointment."

Big Turnout for Charlie Kirk Resurrection.

Tories promise to abolish Stamp Duty, Europe and gravity

Skin colour is not about the colour of your skin, says Jenrick

Jenrick wants more white faces as leader of opposition

Jenrick highlights whites not intergrating in Hansworth

Cutbacks at military firing range see staff fired

Trump nominated for Nobel Taking The Peace Prize

Right to free speech to be restricted to protect freedom of expression

Jilly Cooper bonked her head

Horoscopes for October by 'Krystal Balls'

Behind the scenes at the Tory Party Conference

How to get rich quick

Meanwhile, at the Sherpa camp, Mount Everest ...

The nom de plume

Random story generator deployed at The Sun

Brexiteers slowly returning to the primordial soup claims leading anthropologist

Ironically early Christmas adverts just as annoying as the real thing

Our annual for 2021-22

Don't Let's Be Beastly To War Criminals

Jenrick's speech 'sounded better in the original German'

Tories offer to get young people on Rwandan Housing Ladder

Farage to be nominated for volunteering award

Quitting bombing could be tough for Israeli war cabinet

What the farage? - Noleg Farageov is secret British triple bluff to fool Putin

Dictator Tromp Issues Executive Order

'POTUS 48 will be David Hasselhoff' confirms Russia

VIP lane criticised for using sub-standard VIPs

Gaza interim leader Blair calls Gordon Brown in for "one last job"

UK’s whimsy reserves at a record low

Prime numbers accuse mathematicians of discrimination

Pinching and punching show healthy growth, no returns largely ignored

Nation's serial killers announce dismemberment outsourcing deal

Horoscopes for October by 'Krystal Balls'

200 years anniversary of first UK train complaint

Judas apologises for Good Friday 'confusion'

Doctors warn against listening to Trump while pregnant

Epstein estate try to distance themselves form Sarah Ferguson

British couple freed after months in Taliban prison: 'We were totally spying!'

Jeff Bezos: Saviour Of The World

TitusScam Homeopathic Wellfullness Tablets

Michelle Mone may be aware of £122 Million Gown Fraud verdict

‘Short Man’ energy to be harnessed by National Grid

Nigel’s girlfriend to launch ‘Elite Waitressing’ blog?

Addresses stolen in Nursery Land hack

World's first gravy shop opens in Oldham

Flat earther flown into space, now claims his eyes are in on the hoax

Iguana's rare 'virgin birth' shocks Catholic Church

Moon will be blue during next lunar eclipse, vows Reform

Reform top policy to change airport signage to 'Deportures'

Exasperated Corinthians receive yet another letter from St Paul

Israel claims Palestine was playing tinny music from its phone

FBI now says Isle of Wight never existed

Pied Piper steals hundreds of robot lawnmowers

Campaign to make life on Guernsey even duller

Mayor of London to ban cooking at home

Schrodinger's cat finally debunked by letters from his neighbours

Home Office launch “France really isn’t so bad” campaign

London Council Announces Groundbreaking Plan to Ignore New Petition of 100,000 Signatures

Cancer cure 'A Waste of Time' say Dragons Den gurus

Britain now under Shakira Law

Outrage that Ellie Kildunne isn't homosexual or transgender

Next week, BBC's Panorama will be shooting fish in a barrel

EA Games bought by Saudi Investment Group.....it'll be fine

Trump jails both US and European Ryder Cup teams

Reform plans to scrap films with subtitles

Olivia Colman says no to film

Freddie Kruger defects to Friday the 13th

Referees' Association introduces “autopen” system for Liverpool