Smiling like a children's TV presenter on crack, mock-crying like a special-needs clown and making pained expressions that make it look as if a car has just run over your foot have absolutely no impact on the ability to play classical music, a new report has found.
The report, which was commissioned by the Campaign for Classical Reform, also found that the music sounded just as good when played by a person in jeans and a t-shirt rather than formalwear.
These findings are contrary to the widespread belief in the classical community that the most beautiful music in history is somehow improved by a fat, middle-aged man in evening dress looking as if he is undergoing a particularly dramatic bowel movement.
Some top modern-day composers probably said something about the report, but no-one really cares about them. Meanwhile, some gorgeous, twenty-year old females who play a variety of phallic instruments in the Basildon Community Orchestra, condemned the report as "uncultured", "appalling in its lack of appreciation of classical methods" and "a fucking load of shite".
A further report on whether most members of the public can tell the difference in the sounds of a Steinway and a pub piano is expected early next year.