After their poor response to organised crime, police statistics show that their new drive against the more common 'disorganised crime' is working well. 'The disorganised criminal is really no challenge at all,' said DC Paul Wiseman, 'and they're really helping our performance measures.'
Disorganised criminals are easily identified by their typical targets of back-street shops near where they live, accompanied by shouts of 'I thought you had the balaclavas' and 'where the crap are the car keys', plus their preference of 'top secret hideout', eschewing the usual swanky penthouse offices for the front room of their mum's flat.
Some detectives are outraged at the decision to switch their efforts onto the less organised criminal: 'We're used to oriental crime lords making veiled threats in luxurious surroundings,' said one undercover operative, 'but now they're going to send us to some really shitty places, like semi-detached houses and even -- euugghh -- council maisonettes. The last time they sent us somewhere like that it didn't even have DSE lighting, let alone a glazed floor. I could retch just at the thought of it.'
DC James Pritchard gave details of one recent downmarket hideout. 'The place was a bloody mess, with toys and books all over the cot-bed,' he said. 'The filing cabinet under the window was clearly non-standard -- it was made of pine-veneered chipboard, decorated with colourful children's television characters and seemed to be holding more crumpled clothing than incriminating evidence. Even the paper trail was poor quality, looking more like crayon drawings of trees and grass than the loan shark log books we were expecting.'
Following the raid by CID officers on her Essex flat, single mother-of-three Cath Hutton said police were 'making a huge mistake' and that her youngest son Toby, aged 2, 'couldn't possibly' be the evil criminal mastermind they were looking for. Officers dismissed this 'smokescreen' from the stocky five-foot-two bodyguard, saying they'd heard it all before, forcing 5-year-old 'twin-henchmen' Mark and Carey into their bedroom to watch TV whilst they continued to ransack the crime den searching for evidence.
'In the end we gave up poring through the toy bin and just had to arrest Toby Hutton in the hope that he caved in under interrogation,' explained DC Pritchard. 'We expected a struggle getting him into the full-harness car seat, but he actually behaved quite well with no tears or tantrums at all, and he was easy work when we got him back to the cells -- he squealed like a baby!'