Following international criticism of its policy of blockading Gaza, Israel seems to have adopted a subtle shift in its position over an independent Palestine, and is now conceding that it is prepared to accept an independent Palestinian state, "as long as it's crap and no fun."
Israeli Prime Minister Binyamin Netanyahu denied that official policy had been changed in response to diplomatic pressure. "This in no way represents a change in our long-standing position," he insisted this morning. "For too long, people have focussed solely on our refusal to sanction a state of Palestine, without looking at our real objection - we just don't want it to be any fun there."
Netanyahu denied suggestions that this stance betrayed a certain 'killjoy' attitude towards Israel's neighbours.
"You must realise that it violates our fundamental God-given rights for these people to have any fun whatsoever. Some might call us killjoys, but how would you like it living next door to millions of whooping Palestinians having a good time? It seems obvious that if we allow them to have the basic essentials of medicine, shelter and food, without the constant threat of extermination, they'll immediately start having all night parties and advertising them on Facebook - it'll be like that family in Kent who came home to find their house trashed, and we're not having that."
"We have prepared a list of practical steps which must be taken to ensure the Palestinian territories are as crap as possible," he explained. "For example, there will be a complete embargo on soft toilet paper; all boxes of chocolates are to contain only the hard toffee ones no-one likes; we envisage a complete ban on kittens and bicycle seats; and we are developing an internet filter to block those clips of the hippo and the dog dancing to "The Lion Sleeps Tonight". Yes, that's the sort of thing."
When asked if he would also support a suggested plan to cancel all repairs to school buildings in occupied territories, he insisted: "Good God, no. I'm not that much of a git."