Conspiracy theorists across the universe were plunged into mourning after the death of the New World Order supremo David Ikon was announced earlier today.
Sources are divided as to whether Ikon was shot by police marksman, poisoned by a ‘dodgy’ squid at a Cornish seafood emporium, fell victim to airline industry chem-trail fall-out or was abducted by aliens.
A significant number of people have suggested, in letters to the Times, that referring to the Duke of Edinburgh as an ‘inbred Nazi shag-bandit’ in an article in the Jews Are to Blame for Everything Gazette was asking for trouble.
Whatever the outcome of the official post-mortem, it can be concluded that Mr Ikon did not die of natural causes.
It is rumoured that David Ikon had been experiencing poor health following the implosion of his business empire – currently attributed to interference by CIA rogue agents not the rise in employer’s National Insurance contributions and an imminent hike in VAT.
Accused of recycling the same old conspiracies year after year – lizard-men, aliens, hypnotised goalkeepers - Ikon had been dropped by his publishers, Press Secrets Press, who cited a ‘fall in sales’ as reason for severing ties with the author.
“Readers have had it up to here with volcanoes and DNA from outer-space,” said a spokesman. “Elvis has been done to death – or has he? – and we all know the Royal Family is out of control. It’s clear to anyone with an ounce of sense that the Prime Minister is an android covered in ham. We wanted David to tell us something we didn’t already know, but he failed to deliver.”
Uri Geller, a close confidant of Ikon’s said, “I had not been in touch with David for a decade after a silly misunderstanding over some family silver. However, we shall all miss David immensely. It’s hard to believe he’s gone but I know that he would have wanted me to continue his important work. To this end I have agreed to give exclusive interviews about David’s final days. Please contact my agent.”
David Ikon is survived by a wife, an amanuensis, three sons, a daughter and seventeen iguanas.