'Sneaky', 'conniving' and 'underhanded' are three of the terms used throughout a leaked report to describe the activities at the UK's top secret heavily publicised eavesdropping base, GCHQ.
The Gloucestershire snoop doughnut has been criticised for failing to deal with its 'inherently unethical recruitment culture', where staff are employed based on their abilities to dish the dirt on friends and colleagues rather than their loyalty to the crown.
The remit of the base is to stealthily monitor the communication activities of the whole of the UK, with the intent of closely monitoring known terror suspects, but the report leaked to the Sunday Times suggests that they are 'too nosey' and spend more time spying on ex-girlfriends than listening-in on Abu Hamza's telephone calls.
Some staff have even been found calling on the immense monitoring capabilities of the site to solve cases of infidelity, with a whole filing cabinet dedicated to research subtitled 'and this time it's personal'.
Management at the complex have defended their actions, saying that 'there aren't enough terrorists to go around' and that the employees 'need to keep their skills up somehow', but the report, countersigned by civil service head Sir Gus O'Donnell, is incredibly damning of the facility.
'We recognise that our agents must practise to keep themselves sneaky and underhanded in the interest of national security,' he says, 'but there are surely better ways than arsing around with voice changers on the internal phone system or snooping on your neighbours' sex lives.'
'I have to admit, I found it funny myself,' said Sir O'Donnell, 'but I'm sure we can do better than having a bit of a giggle at the depraved antics of that bird at number 15.'