Talentless vanilla-pop semi-totty celeb-clone Cheryl Cole has left legions of non-fans heartbroken after tragically surviving a promising attack of malaria. Doctors said that her 'remarkable' recovery was chiefly down to her being made of injection-moulded plastic, as opposed to flesh and bone.
'We're now just hoping that she gets hit by a bus or something', said an ardent non-fan yesterday, weeping profusely at the news of her untimely survival.
Simon Cowell was yesterday putting the finishing touches to the designs for a new shrink-wrapped celeb, when he was interrupted by news of Ms. Cole's terrible survival. 'I think I speak on behalf of the whole nation when I say how shocked and saddened I am by Cheryl's survival, and I'd just like to say how much I'm hoping for a media-friendly and ultimately profitable death for her in the near future.'