Senior figures in the Church of England today called for an end to the speculation and disagreement over the ordination of women bishops, in a statement which decrees once and for all that bishops cannot properly fulfil their holy duties unless "possessed of a willy".
The pronouncement, released this morning by the Church of England's General Synod, states that "Certain traditional rituals and obligations placed upon Bishops are in practice impossible unless fully endowed with a penis, preferably a good, long one."
It is not immediately clear which particular rituals would actually require the use of the male member, but there has been speculation in the religious press that part of the secret process of electing new Archbishops may involve certain arcane rites in which key bible scenes are acted out using deft penis puppetry alone. Bishop of Durham Malcolm Possett is believed to be especially gifted in this regard, and his penile rendition of the parting of the Red Sea has achieved fame far beyond the strictly clerical sphere.
Supporters of women bishops announced their extreme disappointment at the ruling, which threatens to split the Anglican Church along genital lines. "What's wrong with a fanny, for heaven's sake?" asked the Reverend Anne Renfrew, priest-in-charge of St Peter's church in Eastbourne. "Are they really saying that having a few inches of pink sausage up your cassock makes you a better Bishop?"
Archbishop of Canterbury Rowan Williams had until recently proposed a compromise where a female bishop would have full authority in her diocese but "in practice refrain from exercising" certain functions in a parish which are better performed by male bishops, such as seeing how far one can wee up a brick wall. This attempt to bring harmony failed miserably, when a pressure group of female priests pointed out that they could probably piss a lot further up the wall than "those acorn-dicked fuckwits in the General Synod".
Dr Williams will make a last plea for unity among the clergy at a press conference arranged for tomorrow morning. Sources say he is hard at work finalising the exact wording of his speech, desperate to avoid any more offence. It is believed that he will urge the Church to come together and once and for all "stop bashing our bishops in public".
