Health & Safety officials have branded a Green Party newsletter ‘dangerously irresponsible’ for encouraging members to ‘shut it for Lent’. The basic premise behind the advice – that excessive ‘huffing and puffing’ does more harm than good – was sound, says the HSE, but a number of over-enthusiastic Greens have taken the advice too far and given up breathing altogether.
The HSE warning follows the death of Lucy Paddock, owner of the Ten Green Bottles chain of organic crab apple cider outlets in Middleton. Friends who witnessed her stoic attempt to prevent her lungs from committing oxygen-to-carbon conversion during Lent say that in death she resolved various conflicts within her own political ideologies once and for all. ‘In life, she carried the burden of a 95% profit margin on crab apples,’ said neighbouring farmer Maggie Roberts, ‘but her deep inner socialist spirit shone through as her face turned red then crimson. I was a bit worried when she went blue a few days ago, but I just checked on her again and she’s definitely gone green.’
Paddock’s bottling plant is currently cordoned off while Fire Brigade inspectors investigate reports of excessive methane in the vicinity.