Crime figures are have soared as the ongoing Raoul Moat manhunt exposes just how useless the cops really are. The search for the self-confessed shooter has now entered its seventh day despite the presence of five police forces, sniffer dogs, helicopters, huge rifles, massive media coverage and the fact that Rothbury is about the size of most people’s kitchens.
“If they can’t catch a murderous mohikan Sun-reader in village of a dozen pensioners,” commented one local resident, “I doubt I’d be caught if I were a Guardian-subscribing bank robber in Durham. With regular hair. Oh, and I wouldn’t write letters to the police admitting I did it either.”
The new figures come as detectives have announced a new strategy of lining up everybody in the village and looking for the one that’s holding a shotgun. This follows their previous unsuccessful strategy attempting to lure in him into a trap made of a papier-mâché Samantha Stobart and a cardboard box balanced on a stick.
Northumbria Police’s acting Chief Constable rebutted the figures at their latest press conference, stating that police have “not relented” in their search and are “constantly working” to follow up all leads. This statement was made despite the fact that anyone with a pair of eyes can see she had spent the last three hours caking on obnoxious amounts of whorish eye-paint.
The Superintendent was unavailable as he was busy calculating his overtime pay.