The British ‘withdrawal’ from Sangin has nothing to do with the Taliban doing rather well and everything to do with a massive colony of pissed-off killer bees who have set up home in the area, a mere ten-thousand miles from their native Latin America , say defence chiefs.
In the wake of the discovery, the British military strategy has now changed from
running at the enemy screaming obscenities whilst not wearing any underpants, to a slow tactical retreat, then keeping perfectly still and hoping they’ll leave you alone
Former Head of the Armed Forces, Richard Dannat, whose job it is to explain what war is like to David Cameron said:
‘We are dealing with an elite and extremely motivated enemy who have superior air power and are constantly on the move. Let me make one thing absolutely clear – this retreat, if you can call it that, has got fuck all to do with us having our arses kicked by the Taliban.’ He also blamed local Taliban chiefs for filling the bees heads with Islamist propaganda, noting that, when the bees are at rest, they tend to point in the direction of Mecca and do so approximately five times a day.
Meanwhile, Shadow Defence Secretary, Bob Ainsworth, slammed the government for failing to provide troops with essential equipment such as rolled-up newspapers and some of those really big hats with netting around them.
It’s not all bad news, however. The bees are responsible for a bumper harvest of
honey which, according to army top brass, is miles better than anything you’ll find in the Sainsburys ‘Taste The Difference’ range. This is in addition to the annual crop of heroin which senior military commanders rate as absolutely first-class and are determined to prevent too much of it from leaving the country.
Last night Brigadier, Clive Harris, who serves with the Queen’s Fifth regiment described the bees as mainly yellow with black stripes across the abdomen and sought to highlight the importance of the mission:
‘The public need to be reminded of why we are in Afghanistan and the reason for that is, erm, wel.. if I may pass you over to General Peter Adams here who will no doubt fill you in..’
‘Well as the brigadier said, the reason we are here is, er, I think you’ll find is.. ah wait, what’s that buzzing noise ? Stop! Stop! It’s hovering just behind your right ear. Don’t move an inch! Keep absolutely still! Oh look at that, it’s only gone and landed in my sodding beer.’