In Edinburgh today, Alex Salmond announced that the YES campaign would now be called IS (short for Independent Scotland) to better reflect the values of Scots wishing to separate from the UK.
“Scots are fundamentally people of a Sunny disposition,” he claimed, “And the only reason for our often sour faces and disagreeable natures is the Shites who live south of the border.”
As the Independence Referendum draws ever closer, the First Minister believes the change of name and the introduction of new and radical strategies will help to halt the slow ebb of support suffered by the campaign in recent weeks. IS plan to round up everyone opposed to independence and incarcerate them until they agree to vote ‘Yes’ in the referendum.
“Now that the Electoral Commission have banned us from buying up the necessary votes on E-Bay, internment of the unenlightened ‘Better Together’ supporters is the only avenue left open to us,” said Mr. Salmond.
IS are also prepared for an unexpected ‘No’ vote and will declare a Caledoniphate, with Mr Salmond being given the old Gaelic title of ‘MiMum’. All non-Scottish residents will be given the ultimatum of converting to Scottish or being drowned in a vat of IrnBru.
As the news broke traffic tailed back on the A1 heading south as people fled the threat of 'Jimmy' Jockhadists terrorising English people with exploding haggis and military grade deep-fried Mars bars. The government in Westminster reacted quickly issuing a ginger alert and raising the terror threat level to critical.
