A recently married couple have spoken of their joy at finally buying their first home together: a static caravan at the coastal resort of Seaton Sluice, Northumberland. ‘We’ve been looking at houses for ages,’ said the newly-pronounced Christine Laidlaw, ‘but there was always something missing like a south facing garden or vaguely surmountable price tag. And sometimes it just wasn’t quite right, you know, too much space or just too many internal walls.’
‘But when we saw the caravan we knew it was the one for us. It has everything we need: gas, electricity, running water and a chemical toilet. It only has three rooms (including the toilet-wardrobe) so it might get a little cramped, and we could end up getting on top of each other a little. But since I don’t believe in sex before marriage, that is where we tend to be anyway! Plus, there is plenty of space in the garden to escape to when we get on each other’s nerves; we’re at least six feet away from the neighbours on all sides and we’ve a bench next to the communal “flushy toilet.”
However, husband Oliver has taken a little longer to acclimatize to the idea, ‘when Christine first suggested it I thought she was barmy. But after two weeks living with the mother-in-law, I couldn’t wait to push the paper-work through.’
‘Obviously, a caravan isn’t everyone’s ideal first marital home, but a £20,000 mortgage doesn’t get you much these days. Anyway, I feel rather fond of it now and I have always wanted to live near the coast. If the family in front of open their front and back windows you can see the sea from the toilet.
‘We would recommend caravans to anyone trying to buy their first home and who feels they are above living in a tent. You have to be careful, though. We got a survey done so we know exactly what we are getting into: It is poorly insulated, has none-existent sound proofing and is completely structurally unsound due to the temporary breeze-block foundations; dangerous during strong wind and a newly-wed romp. But it is ours and we are really proud. Just don’t tell work, and if anyone asks we’re waiting for Kevin McCloud to pull his fucking finger out!’