David James, one of the failing England football team’s goalkeepers shocked the footie world today by claiming that other players are faking injury at the highest levels of the game and time-wasting too.
‘We all know it happens’ he went on, ‘one minute them overpaid strikers are running around like hares, the next they collapse gently to the ground after a weedy opposition challenge and lie there groaning and clutching a limb’. He went on to assert that players often ‘rolled around’ grimacing in pathetic attempts to waste time, especially if it was close to the end of a match and the other side ‘looked like scoring’.
‘Me and my goalie colleagues have to dive at the ground on purpose’ he explained. ‘But the rest of them don’t – the cheats’.
James, clutching a blood soaked bandage to his head after a particularly bad run-in with a goalpost continued, ‘it’s a keeper’s job to fling himself at the feet of attackers coming at us full – tilt and we do it willingly. Sometimes dozens of times in a match. And what happens? We get straight up and pile back in to the game, not like them limp attackers who just lie around waiting to be stretchered off’.
Suffering from a dizzy spell for which he would only accept a wet sponge James claimed:
• Highly paid sweepers secretly rub fake blood in to tiny or non-existent injuries.
• Wingers fib to gullible physios about groin strains so they can have a day off to race around Surrey in ‘their bloody great fuck-off Ferraris’.
• Other forwards wait for the ref to look in the other direction then ‘punch their mate’s lights out’ and ‘swear blind it was one of the opposing team what done it’.
As he was being wheeled in to the local emergency department James raved, ‘those bastards are paid to stay on their feet and run about and what do goalies get? I’ll tell you what we get; lousy pay and no compensation for real injuries from being given a good kicking in the line of duty, and we have to wear giant comedy hands too’.
‘But to be honest’ he slurred to this reporter gratefully as he felt a medic’s needle sliding in to his arm, ‘I love this game, I really do, and I love me mates and me girlfriend and you, you’re my best mate ever………’