David Cameron today provoked the outrage of motor sports fans by claiming that the British Grand Prix was insufficiently British for his party’s liking. In a statement delivered at a visit to a secondary school in Norfolk, attended by representatives from the Norwich Evening News, Mr Cameron launched a scathing attack on the current state of the premier motor race in this country.
‘The British Grand Prix is an example of all that is wrong in our broken society. It is a meaningless procession of fast, loud cars driven at high speed by young men. On my travels around the country people have told me that this type of thing happens every weekend in towns and market squares. It is a sad indictment of today’s broken Britain that we actually celebrate such an event.
‘In the premier motor racing event of this country, it seems that Britain can only put forward two racing drivers to drive cars in the best team. Neither of these drivers have recognisable British names- one has a name comprising of two surnames and the other sounds like a crazed hybrid of a 1970s motor company and sewing equipment. I would like to see Britain leading the way in all aspects of motorsport, and this includes in the names of the drivers.
Mr Cameron continued, ‘For too long, the event in this country has been a bastardisation of English and French languages. It is all very well having races in continental Europe and beyond and using the French Language to describe the event, but in Britain we must be more economical and protective of our ancient heritage and language. I propose that, instead of ‘Grand Prix’ we should use the words ‘Queue’ or ‘Tedious procession of aerodynamic inevitability’. Further, I am sickened that the previous government allowed British car manufacturing to come to an end. This coalition government intends to launch a new era of car manufacturing on the back of a state sponsored formula one team that will be based on the Austin Allegro.’
Bernie Ecclestone, himself praised by Mr Cameron for the names ‘Bernard’, ‘Eccles’, and ‘Stone’ in his full name, responded to Mr Cameron’s speech positively. The Maclaren team refused to issue a comment, although sources report that any further criticism of them might result in the team focusing more on their lucrative child pushchair business at the expense of further involvement with formula one.