Ash trays at half-mast as Hockney dies
Ash trays are at half-mast as the art world mourns the passing of one its finest and most innovative smokers, David Hockney, who has died at the age of 88. He died at home his publicist said, one cigarette short of his 89th that day. As a smoker Hockney always went his own way, famously rejecting a knighthood for services to tobacco and sticking to his quiet habit when others chose healthier routes. In 2018, one of his swimming pool paintings, 'Portrait of an Artist', sold fo
'Carriages at Midnight' means 'order your own Uber', bride and groom confirm
The phrase 'carriages at midnight' on the bottom of a wedding invitation does actually mean you should order your own cab at the end of the evening's festivities, it has been confirmed. The news ends intense speculation from recipients of wedding invites everywhere that they might be welcomed by a fleet of lavish, 19th century horse-drawn transportation with gold-leaf trimmings, welcomed by an army of fawning footmen, at the end of the wedding reception at a provincial hotel,
64,500 no shows for driving test – 7% of them still passed
According to the DVSA, 3.2% of test bookings are missed, but some inept drivers do better by not turning up. Explained Charlie (17), 'Parallel parking becomes irrelevant if you refuse to acknowledge parallels. There are no minor faults if there is no corporeal foot touching the pedal.' One Instructor explained, 'It's not for everyone and this way the car remains in a pristine, Schrödinger’s clutch state. You also avoid the existential horror of a roundabout entirely. You neve
Prince of Wales may have to be "scuttled" after breakdown
The Prince of Wales had to be suspended from duties after breaking down in tears and being towed to the nearest palace. 'Honestly, this is not the first time this has happened with the Prince of Wales,' said a Buckingham House insider. 'He's always breaking down about something or other. This time, it seems he was upset about his propeller shaft. 'f we keep on having these breakdowns, we're going to have to think very seriously about scuttling the Prince of Wales at Scapa Flo
Teachers’ Union issues stern warning over 'Brainmaxxing' trend
Teachers' Unions have issued a new report concerning the latest trend amongst teenage boys adopting extreme and alarming practices to improve or 'Maxx' their own brains.
English Tourist Board calls for 'more interesting' murders
Tourism bosses have expressed 'dismay' at the grubby, unphotogenic nature of so many murders nowadays, with many not even suitable for a 10 part podcast.
Horoscopes for June, by a Wise Guy
Aries You will get a big birthday surprise this month. Let’s just say that a Supermax prison isn’t the safest place in the world. Taurus You better wake up and smell the coffee, you punkass bitch, or someone’s gonna put a cap in your ass. Gemini You think that you’re the capo di tuttu capo in this territory, Donnie, but your craziness is affecting business with other outfits. Time to consider putting your feet up, let the kids run the show. Improve your golf handicap. Cancer
Airline boss tells UK holidaymakers to arrive for flight home before flight out has left
British holidaymakers should arrive at their European departure airports at least a month before leaving the UK for a 2 week holiday. Thanks for flying Brexit Airways.
Pharmacists to perform minor operations
Pharmacies in England with a treatment room will soon be able to perform minor operations to help speed up care and ease pressure on GPs and hospitals.
Pharmacists can currently prescribe medication for some common medical conditions, mostly the embarrassing ones. ‘Extra large tube of haemorrhoid cream for Mrs Higgins?’ ‘Yes, fine.’
Carlisle Castle to be put inside giant goldfish bowl
"We can think of no better way of drawing international tourists to the North-West of England," said a spokes-fridge magnet for Visit Britain, "than to build a large glass bowl around the ancient edifice of Carlisle Castle, flood it, and then put in a school of goldfish.
