Britain's torch bearing mob community is up in arms after word went around that the UK's prime minister was given a new identity after the Gulf War, and may be given a new one again in May.
'Who is the prime minister anyway?' said the leader of the mob. 'I don't give a monkey's. All politicians are the same anyway. But I tell you this - if the bastard came into our pub, he'd get his head kicked in.'
Mob leader John Cox was furious at being told that the prime minister had already been given a new identity, after he was accused of war crimes. An entire back story was created for the new PM, so that he could avoid angry relatives of the dead. He is still Scottish, but instead of being an ex-public schoolboy who attended Fettes, Scotland's Eton, the new PM is understood to be from humbler origins.
"The old PM was rather posh, charming and very ruthless. The new one is a worrier, less image obsessed, and would be almost likeable," said a source, "if you didn't know the damage the bastard has done."
But the PM was inadvertently outed recently, during a seemingly routine whitewash exercise that went wrong. The PM was forced to leave the inquiry by the back door, as members of the audience sensed that the PM might have had something to do with the horrific deaths of hundreds of thousands of people.
To an outsider, the citizens of Westminster Village seem a pretty tight community. This pretty hamlet on the banks of the Thames has a clock tower that dates back to the reign of Charles I, and a huge debating chamber, now largely redundant, that was once a cradle of democracy. The nearby Westminster cathedral services notice that, incredibly, this was once a centre of influence.
The locals appear friendly, if a little secretive, and often lapse into their own dialect to deter outsiders from asking questions. Even bitter enemeies have been known to close ranks when the police try to conduct a fraud investigation.
But below the surface, old rivalries seethe and there's an atmosphere of mutual mistrust. The locals spend all their time sitting and staring at their Windows. Every time there seems to be movement in the village, their nimble fingers go into action and the Net visibly twitches. Some say the twittering at dawn is deafening.
Only the village wisemen, known locally as the bloggers, seem confident enough to go on record. They seem to fall into one of three camps, according to the rumours they're prepared to belive in.
In one camp, they believe that the new PM's identity will be a lad called Cameron. With a scottish sounding name, a gift for soundbites and not much history of a proper job, makeover experts say this new identity, not a million miles away from the original PM who committed the war crimes, is at least do-able.
Others say the new PM could be a lad called Nick, whose backstory suggests that he might be more liberal. As with Dave, the makeover is not overly far reaching, but there's only so much material to work on, say makeover experts. But some critics say the public would be onto this in a minute.
But the most shocking rumour of all has the new PM emerging as a woman, called Harriet, who will emerge at the end of May, after a previous incarnation Gordon is deliberately put out as a decoy, then goes into hiding.
'Harriet already exists' said one terrified conspiracy theorist. According to him, Harriet is already is rehearsing for her first public appearance, and many confirm they've heard the chilling words of a Sham 69 anthem being chanted, as she practices her mockney accent. "Come on, come on, Hurry Up Harriet Come on".