Research by the Metropolitan Police has shown that victims of crime often look ‘vulnerable’ and ‘easy to pick on’, and have concluded that victims are ultimately the cause of crime.
“We showed a number of faces very quickly on computer screens. Volunteers had to press one button if they thought it was the face of a victim and another if it was the face of a villain. The results were clear – actual victims were correctly identified 80% of the time, and villains 93%. Police officers are specially trained to identify villainous faces, but we hadn’t realised that victims were almost as easy to spot.
“The police service is incredibly busy and we really don’t need the hassle of investigating crimes against people who, frankly, invite it. So we’re not investigating any more crimes against wimps. When you consider how much crime is caused by people looking like victims, really we should be charging them with wasting police time”.
From October, police patrols will be picking up anybody who looks obviously victimmy and putting them in protective custody.
“There are exceptions. Attractive women, for example – we really enjoy hearing their stories even though, let’s face it, they’re obviously asking for it just by being pretty. The clue’s in the name, love. So we’re leaving them free to roam the streets, though we’ll be keeping a close eye on them”. He winks suggestively. “It’s what CCTV was made for”.