A well-known celebrity today broke down as he delivered a tearful admission to allegations that he had not cheated on his wife at any point in the past. In a hastily-arranged press conference the celebrity, whose professional career involves public performance of some kind, began by stating how sorry he was for letting down his wife, family and friends.
“I am truly sorry for my actions, and the shame they have brought to those I love and respect so much. My job involves being away from home a great deal, and to deal with this I have actively sought to avoid putting myself in positions where I could be tempted to stray from my wonderful wife. I often acted foolishly by making polite talk with female admirers, before stating that I was not interested in any form of sexual activity and returning to my hotel where I would go to bed early with a good book. I am sorry to say that I even telephoned my wife and child on the very same nights that I refused all offers for no-holds-barred sex from attractive strangers, pretending as though nothing had happened.”
The celebrity, who is probably a sportsman or in the entertainment industry, went on to explain how he now fully understood the consequences of his actions. “I now fully understand the consequences of my actions”, he said, before continuing. “My children will have to explain to their friends why their Mum and Dad live in the same house, and share the responsibilities of parenting. My wife has to go to work and face her colleagues, knowing that they'll be wondering how she could forgive a man who respects the institution of marriage in the way that I do. I have prevented a number of surgically-enhanced fame seekers from obtaining sizeable amounts of money from the tabloid newspapers. And finally, I have caused my fans who have supported me for so long in what it is that I do to wonder if they really should be supporting me in what it is that I do. To you all, I am truly sorry”.
The celebrity's family were not present at the press conference, having gone to the supermarket to get something nice to eat for tea that night.