Churches throughout Britain and the wider world devoted a few moments of their morning services on Sunday to reflect on the ongoing violence in Gaza and pray to God for peace to come soon. Describing themselves as 'disappointed but not surprised', theologians have now confirmed that the Almighty heard and considered their prayers before deciding to let this one run a bit longer.
'The Middle East is a part of the world I've always had a soft spot for, ever since I, hallowed be My name, created the world 6,752 years ago,' confirmed the Lord of Hosts in a statement written on golden tablets and handed to the Reverend Pat Robertson live on Fox News in the US. 'It was there that I was first elevated above those sad losers Ba'al, Marduk and Amon-Ra and those I created in My image still seem to get a kick out of killing each other in My name even though the other side worships Me too, so what the Gehenna eh? Bring it on.'
The news has been cheered by both the Israeli government and Hamas, neither of whom wants the armed conflict to end in the foreseeable future. In a joint statement, they described the past three weeks as 'the best one ever' and vowed to continue until every home in the Gaza Strip is destroyed and the body count is proportionate with that in the feud between the Levites and the Benjaminites (Judges, 20), as this is definitely pleasing in the sight of God one way or the other.
'This was always going to be a tricky one for the Lord to sort out,' admitted the Archbishop of Canterbury Justin Welby. 'For all that we in Britain were praying to God for peace, zealots on both sides out there were praying to Yahweh and Allah for victory and He couldn't grant satisfy all of us, could He? Well, He could of course, what with being omnipotent and all, but it's hard to see how. Well, He would know how, being omniscient as well, but ... '
'I suppose you're going to say that means there can't be a God who is both omnipotent and omniscient now, aren't you? Why don't you just fuck off?'