In a desperate bid to prevent architectural rebellion spreading along the Sussex coast David Cameron and George Osborne today visited the fire damaged Eastbourne pier.
The pair were torn away from their respective holidays to gawp at the guts of the former Blue Room, and support local businesses by buying a cornet each.
They were quick to scupper speculation that this could be an opportunity for Eastbourne to take a leap into the 21st century.
"I am deeply upset to see the iconic Blue Room, the last remaining outpost of traditional peer values on a Sussex pier so brutally destroyed," said a clearly upset Prime Minister. "We cannot stand by and see Eastbourne go the way of blowsy Brighton whose long dead West Pier is being supplanted by a rather bizarre doughnut on a stick, or indeed heretical Hastings where the community have had the gall to rebuild the pier themselves. Heaven knows how that will turn out with all those druids funding it."
"The loss of our beloved Sussex seaside Blue Room is truly tragic" added George Osborne "This government will spare no expense in ensuring Eastbourne is fully restored to its former conservative mediocrity. Britain cannot afford to allow the interference of forward thinking councils or creative communities where core conservative values are at stake."
To date there is no evidence to support rumours that the fire was started by UKIP supporters - or indeed druids.