Internet security specialist McAfee today announced the first of it's long-awaited "alternative" products, which it claims will address the growing threat of Trojans, Spyware and Bot Nets without the decrease in performance usually associated with evidence-based Antivirus software.
"Our customers are increasingly demanding Anti-Virus software that has no discernible effect on the performance of their laptops and other devices" commented McAfee spokesman Mike Townes. "By providing downloads or media containing only the "memory" of the most aggressive malware, we are able to satisfy that need at a cost marginally below that of traditional methods".
McAfee are tight-lipped on the details of exactly how their new products are generated but it is believed to rely on the "like cures like" principle that underlies much of human homeopathy. Sources suggest that a new or aggressive Virus or Trojan is loaded onto a disk or memory-stick and the remainder of the device filled with zeros. A few bytes from this is then transferred to another disk, which is again written to capacity with zeros and the process repeated.
"This is just the first of our alternative system-maintenance products" insisted Mr Townes. "When this takes off, and we expect that it will, we plan to release a system for speeding up all those choked-up PCs by chanting and burning incense, and a reflexology-based method for reducing crashes by applying pressure to specific points on the bottom of the mouse." When questioned on whether there was anything in the pipeline to make Windows 8 do anything useful, however, he was less upbeat. "What am I," he asked, "a miracle worker?"