Glasgow, the host City of the Commonwealth Games, was sensationally kicked out of all competition today after failing a random drugs test.
After providing a pavement urine test at three in the morning, laboratory analysis confirmed that Glasgow had tested positive for Amphetamine, Barbiturates, Cocaine, Diamorphine, Ecstasy, Feneazepam, Grass, Heroin, Inhalants, Jellies, Ketamine, LSD, Magic Mushrooms, New Psychoactive Substances, Opiates, Puff, Quat, Resin, Smilies, Temazepan, Ultram, Vanilla Sky, Weed, XTC, Yaba and Zoly.
Under competition rules Glasgow faces an immediate two year ban from civic life.
In a short written statement Glasgow said: “After years of career damaging neglect and lack of investment, the desire to be a vibrant city once more led me to try all sorts of stimulants to succeed. I am hugely sorry to be found out and accept that I will have to sit idly by while the world watches schoolgirls from the Isle of Man win all the medals.