British paedos have angrily refuted newspaper claims that their ranks may have been infiltrated by politicians.
"We have some standards", said a senior nonce. "Okay, in prison we're regarded as the lowest of the low, and nobody wants to buy a house next to one of our members, but we're not without morality. It's a bit twisted, and we may destroy lives, but we do it one at a time - not on a societal level.
"I haven't been able to sleep since these allegations started. What will my family think of me? I can't leave my own home - kids have painted 'MP scum' on my front door.
"We would never have allowed politicians into the British Paedo Association. A couple of PPI cold-callers got in once, but we chased them out with pitchforks.
Kiddie-fiddlers have called for a register of MPs to be set up - known as Leon's Law - so that members of the public can readily identify the monster in their midst.