In what is being described as a ‘near death experience’ (NDE), the people of Ireland have fortuitously avoided coming into contact with an over-sized Stetson, painful guitar twangs and an ego the size of Nashville. Garth Brooks’ five shows at Croke Park have all been cancelled amid a national call for an end to tucking your jeans inside your cowboy boots, wrapping a bald eagle inside a confederate flag and Garth’s love of all things Wallmart.
Not since St. Patrick banished all snakes from Ireland, has there been such a popular expulsion. When asked why so many Irish had purchased tickets for the Brooks’ gig in the first place, one concert goer explained: ‘You see it was all part of an elaborate ruse. You have to tempt little baldy fella out of his nest. He thinks he’s going to have a whale of a time and then BAM! Things suddenly go arseways on him. You should see the look on his fat face. It’s all about the craic, you know?’
One NDE survivor described what it was like to see Brooks in the 90s: “Initially I felt a detachment from my body…as if I was floating towards the light. That blinding light was suddenly blocked by a big fat head coming into view. Any feeling of serenity was cut short by some warbling nonsense about papa loving mama. Eventually the bland melodies just washed over me until I was pronounced clinically dead…or ‘asleep’ in layman’s terms’.
Despite purchasing over 128 million CDs in the hope Brooks would stay retired in 2001, people have had to come to terms with the fact that irrepressible country singer may have returned – like herpes. A Dublin City Council official clarified: ‘You have to remember that Garth Brooks is a gateway artist for the likes of Billy Ray Cyrus. And once you let Cyrus in, then you’ve got twerking all over the city. Don’t forget – line dancing is the only kind of dancing that makes River Dance look funky.’