The inquest into the tragic events leading to the death of an Eton schoolboy at the paws of a polar bear has uncovered a hitherto unexplored issue for Arctic ursines: stress.
'It's not all seal meat and iceberg cruises', said Norman, a polar bear spokesman. 'Modern life for our kind has just as many traumas as you humans experience, especially for those of us with cubs to feed. At least you hunter gatherers get the time and headspace to do some gathering. For us it's just hunt, hunt, hunt. And that's when there's any food to be had, sometimes it can be days without so much as a scrawny seagull in my sights. On top of that, the ankle biters are always adding pressure - "dad can we play with the eskimos?" - "dad can we eat the eskimos?" - "dad, I don't want eskimo, I'm a vegetarian" - it never stops. And as for the scenery around here.....do you know how many words polar bears have for white? I'll tell you, one. Just the one, it really challenges your powers of description and makes for mind numbingly boring dinner parties. Then we eat one schoolboy and all hell breaks loose. No wonder we're bloody stressed'
