Chancellor George Osborne was proud to announce that after three years of careful fiscal mismanagement, corruption and cronyism the number of UK citizens paying the top rate of income tax has fallen to zero. Having battled against austerity Mr. Osborne can at last confirm that the wealthy will no longer need to be troubled by the poor or destitute, as all millionaires will be ‘…hermetically sealed in Knightsbridge, in castles made of candy floss and fed peeled grapes by gossamer-winged fairies.’
Ironically 38% of the nation’s tax burden now falls on Miss. J Arkwright, a single mother of two, from Sheffield. Miss Arkwright works two minimum-wage full-time jobs to pay her exorbitant rent, ensure Gary Barlow stays fed and to keep Bob Geldof in hair conditioner. She spoke proudly of her contribution: ‘I’m just happy that I can do my bit to keep the impoverished landed gentry off the streets. Obviously now that I know I’m contributing so much to the British economy I’ll probably need to take on a third job and sell one of my kids to medical research – but that’s the least I can do.’
Meantime public workers staged a day of national industrial action in protest over Jimmy Carr having to pay for his own swimming pool. One striking nurse said: ‘It’s not right that I only work sixty hours a week for £21k, while poor Chris Moyles only earns a million pounds a year working in a fictitious car dealership. I don’t know how he makes ends meet? I clearly need to pay more tax so Andrew Lloyd Webber can invest in further fraudulent film ventures’.
This week HM Revenue and Customs (HMRC) identified another 33,000 individuals involved in tax avoidance schemes, which is the clearest indication yet that the UK has some of the best accountants in the world. While some socialist ne'er do wells use phrases like ‘recalcitrant debtors’, Mr. Osborne was clear to label these wealthy patriots ‘tax innovators’. A HMRC spokesman said: ‘By removing the rich from the tax system we can return to a simpler, fairer system - where David Beckham gets to keep 100% of his income and Posh gets to turn the working poor into a matching pair of leather trousers’.